Isolation ~ Frerard

20. I hate myself

[TRIGGER WARNING] --for like the whole chapter I guess, sorry--

**FRANKS P.O.V**

I had no idea what I was doing. My brain wasn't working properly and it felt like the whole world had paused, everything standing still and waiting on me to make a move.

My skin was hot and sweaty and the light breeze that danced through the leaves didn't even touch me. The sound of the rustling leaves were complete silence. The silence hung like a poisonous cloud that hovered above me, it terrified me. Sometimes quiet is violent.

I felt paralyzed, how my bones moved stiffly, or how I sat there still, yet shaking and shivering. I felt like crying and screaming but I couldn't, I just didn't have the energy to do it. In my head, it was like my thoughts running wild like animals, trashing the place with every move they made, every thought that entered my horrible fucked up mind, just tumbling in with all the other fucked up thoughts.

I hated myself.

I hated my life.

I hated what's happened to me.

I hate that I'm not strong enough to keep going.

I hate that I've got this low in life that almost positive ill never be myself again.

But most of all, I hate Gerard.

I hate Gerard for what he did.

He was the one person that I trusted, the one person that knew full well what really happened to my mother, I told him my fears, my weaknesses, my strengths, he knew almost everything about me.

Sure, I've only really liked him for a week, I've only really started to fall for him for days, I've only really loved him for hours.

You see, I never thought the classic quote of "You don't know what you have until its gone" was really true. I thought, if you really loved them you'd show it, if you cared for them that much you'd really care for them. Until my mum past, when she was alive I never thought about her being gone, she'd be out all night and id never see her, but then she died and now she's gone forever. The thought of never being able to see her ever again physically makes my heart hurt. The thought of never hearing her voice, or her laugh or even just her shoes tumbling down the stairs while she's drunk, it's the very simple and horribly thoughtless details that I missed the most about her.

Or even when I saw Gerard, stood in his boxers with hickies all over his body, and Alex stood in front of him also in his boxers. My heart pounded and suddenly the room just began closing in on me, it felt like Alex had his hand wrapped around my throat and was squeezing tighter and tighter until I just simply couldn't breathe, not even trying to gasp for air.

I stared down at the shivering, shock horror and terrified boy that sat quivering in front of me and the feeling of wanting to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight until all of his pain went away began to fill me, but then the horror and disgust that he cheated on me, completely overruled that and made me want to gag at the thought of him.

I ran out the door and my brain stopped working, along with my heart, along with my bones and along with my soul. I felt dead already, my body wasn't working properly and the only feeling that I had was the non stop aching in my chest.

Then I realised, Gerard was gone. He wouldn't want me and I don't him back so he was gone from my life. I didn't have him to look after me anymore, the only person I had left was gone. And I suddenly realised that the pain in my chest just showed that my heart was broken before I even got a chance to realise it was in love.

I fell fast and hard for the boy and before Gerard even tried to catch me he let me fall. He let me fall and crumble and smash and completely shatter beneath him before I even had the chance to realise I was falling for him.