Baby on Board

Girls at the Spa

This is worse than hell; in fact, I'm sure that hell is looking like the number one destination hot spot for holidays right about now. Nothing- not even the devil himself- is as bad as having to spend the day at a fucking spa with my mother and my two sisters. I'm still trying to work out how on earth I ended up here. 

When Dad suggested some bonding time, I thought that he meant him and me spending the day at the pub or going to watch a rugby match or do something manly. When the doorbell rang and I was confronted by my bloody mother, grinning from ear to ear, I knew that something was up. The note that was stuck to the mirror in the hallway, written in Lottie's neat scrawl, was enough to confirm my worst fears. 

Gone out with your dad for the day. Taken the baby with me. Enjoy your time with your mum and sisters. See you later. I love you. Charlotte. p.s. don't hate me. xx

Unfortunately, there was no chance in hell of me enjoying the day with the women of my family, especially after my mother announced that we were going to a spa. I've never been to a spa before and to be honest, I wasn't in the mood to start familiarizing myself with them now. What would I even do there, have a pedicure and a facial before lounging around gossiping about all the boys I like? I'd rather stay at home, reading War and Peace. 

That wasn't an option, though. To be honest, once my mother had an idea in her head, all other options were off the table so I had no choice but to jump into the awaiting car and go along with them to some non-descript building in the middle of London that apparently housed the best spa in the city. It came highly recommended by my worst half, Lottie. She raved about it, Mum said, even going to so far as to say their snail slime moisturiser was the best thing money can buy. I gagged at that because, well, I've kissed Lottie all over and if she's using snail slime then... it doesn't bear thinking about!

 Still, that's not what Mum, May and Alice wanted to try out, thank goodness. No, it was something called a twenty-four karat gold facial. Just the name of it was extravagant and made me shudder at the thought of how much it would cost. Apparently, and I'm ashamed to say that I know this, the serum that has flecks of gold in it "lifts, tightens and lightens skin." Alice spoke of the treatment like it was the best thing since sliced bread. It sounded like a con to me. Now, the beer bath that they had there, that was something that I could get on board with. 

"We've booked the entire place out," Mum announced just as soon as we walked through the door. "After the way your father talked to me on Sunday, it was the least he could do to make it up to me. That, and taking me to Harrods so I could buy some more shirts. That baby of yours really knows how to ruin a perfectly good shirt."

My eyes narrowed as soon as she brought Sera into this. "Well, my mother knows how to ruin my perfectly good mood." 

"Oh, Isaac, you know that's not how I meant it," my mother sighed. Despite her most recent facelift, I detected a frown line appearing and her features betraying her well-concealed age. Sensing discord, May and Alice quickly scuttled off to the women's changing room, leaving Mum and me to duke it out solo. "Why is it that whenever you and I are within five feet of each other, we come to blows? Isaac, I hate fighting with you."

"Funny, you do it so well, though," I can't help but remark. My words didn't go down well but instead of answering me back as I thought she might, my mother levelled a sad smile on me, as if she was resigned to the fact that this is how it would always be between us. Immediately feeling guilty, I rubbed my forehead wearily and leaned against the wall before looking over at Mum. "I don't like fighting with you either, Mum, but you know what buttons to press. You always have done. That's not to say that it's your fault and your fault only because I bite back every single time. It's exhausting. Look, we're at a spa, so let's go and relax and we can sort all this out another time."