Tainted [Watty Awards 2012]

Chapter 5: Elephant

Before reading this chapter, or after (it doesn't really matter), read this, as I may have gotten confused in one part of the chapter.

The story is set in 2012, and, so far, we're in May.

Brendan was born in August, 1994. And Evan was born in December 1996. Cassidy (you'll see who I mean) was born in October 2004. Jackie (the mother) left in February/March 2004; when Brendan was 9 1/2 and Evan was 7 and a few months.

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Chapter 5: Elephant

I recognised the voice, and that phrase echoed in my mind, reminding me of happier times; long, long ago. It still hurt, though, when I remembered the person. It was her fault, her fault. I am how I am because of her, and she just waltzes back into my life, no warning, and start spewing these philosophical, or whatever, phrases at me. No.

“Every morning, I woke and smiled, because it was a new, better, day. Every night I went to sleep with tears in my eyes, why? Because I was proven it wasn’t.” I finished my small speech bitterly, ignoring the tears begging to come out. Not now, not yet. Without looking at my guest I felt the bed sink a bit, and knew she’d sat on the edge.

“But, what if it was preparation for the future? To make you stronger, and wiser?”

“What, so it was decided I was to be tortured, as training?” I shot back incredulously; it was getting ridiculous now. “If I were loved, if anyone were loved, they wouldn’t be submitted to all that.”

An exasperated sigh, hopeless, then empty words were all I heard. “I did- do love you. Do you not know that? It’s natural, and it is true. You are loved. But it was meant to be; you had to pass that. The fact that you are alive only proves your strength.”

That just set me off, so I jumped off the bed and towered over her sitting position, still not seeing her face as she looked shamefully at the ground. “Love me? Please, if I loved someone, I wouldn’t willingly choose for them to suffer in any way! Fuck fate, and fuck destiny! If it’s meant to be, you can change it, the future isn’t set in stone!” I paused to breathe and continued my rant. “And I’m alive because- well, it’s a miracle, you know? So many times I could have just let go and gone to sleep, but I didn’t. I don’t know why, but I held on. I didn’t want to though, and now I wish I hadn’t.”

She kept her position yet still shouted back, “I do love you! Of course I do! How dare you doubt it! You had to go through that, fate is fate, you don’t mess with it. The future IS set in stone, believe me, it is. And, you are alive and breathing because of your strength and resilience. The fact that you didn’t let go means that you are strong; strong enough to fight death when it had you so close to giving up.”

I kept quiet, I didn’t agree with her words, but I couldn’t find it in me to fight back again. I just sat on the bed, slightly defeated, yet still sticking to my opinion. I gave my final two cents; “you left me, you could’ve been there, just once, but I didn’t know anything about you. I spent half my life without you there, and I was scared.”

“I’m so sorry, but it was necessary for me to cut contact from you. I always thought of you, worrying about your pain and if you were strong enough to survive.”

“You left a young girl, clueless and frightened of the world, alone. Worrying and thinking of me didn’t help me years ago, did it?” I rested my elbows on my knees, and covered my face with my hands, trying to calm myself down. “If you really loved me, you would’ve taken me with you. Not left me there, to live in hell.”