Hushed Confessions | ✔

{25} Things Got Personal

I didn't believe it when Ridwan told me. I was numb, his words not registering. Instead, his soft spoken whisper became a gust of wind, and my steps slowly walked towards my grieving mother. My heart was heavy, a feeling I was too familiar with. The world spun around me, whirling me into the endless abyss of emptiness. I was a shadow, a huddled mess. 

In a trance, I couldn't bring my eyes to shed a tear. My fingers shook, nerves turning into bundles of distress, of chaos. That was the word: chaos. My world was in chaos because I had lost my world, my companion, my brother. I had lost Hamza. 

He was now a pawn in this dangerous game, the consequences even more deadly. 

Gentle hands stroked my hair, and I was brought back to reality. I was in my room, the darkness looming over every corner like a reaper ready to collect my empty soul. My pillow was damp. I touched my cheek, feeling the wetness soaking into my cold skin. My mother's shoulders shook as a quiet sob ripped through her. 

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "Mom?"

"Y-Yes."

Hearing her broken voice awoke some force within me, and I flung myself to her, my head resting on her shoulder. Her arms embraced me, pulling me impossibly closer to her warmth. Seeing my mother so vulnerable broke me apart on the inside. She didn't deserve any of this. 

"I-I'm sorry," I whispered, willing my tears to stay away. "It's all my f-fault. I'm so s-sorry."

"Shh," she said. "It's not your fault."

I couldn't find my voice. A knot formed in the back of my throat, clogging any sound from escaping my lips. I inhaled a shaky breath, trying to focus on my mother's soft heartbeat, the gentle drumming soft and firm. I dulled out the world around me to focus on her. 

"Mom?"

She hummed in response.

I reached for her hand, pulling back to see her tear-streaked face. I clutched onto her fingers, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Please don't give up on life, Mommy. I can't l-lose you too," I choked up. "I'm not ready. I'm n-not strong enough."

Her dark eyes softened. "I'll keep trying and so will you," she whispered, "do you know why?"

I shook my head.

"Because we have Allah on our side. Everything happens for a reason, giving up will not solve anything. When life hurts, we have to keep trying because with every struggle comes ease," she smiled. 

Without speaking, I let her hold me closer, allowed her to comfort me, and I relished the moment. Although my world was in chaos, this moment made everything feel right again. I didn't feel scared or terrified of a murderer, instead, I was comforted, my worries began to wither. 

Of course, the moment was short since we heard a loud crash followed by yelling downstairs. Mom and I pulled away, exchanging a confused glance at each other, even though we both knew Ridwan was starting something. 

"You asshole!" he shouted. 

Sighing, I wrapped my scarf around my head. Mom and I walked down the stairs towards the living room. Ridwan had pushed Malik up against the wall, grabbing his collar. Ridwan continued yelling while Malik silently took the onslaught of the words. Dad was pulling at Ridwan's arm. 

"Son, this is not how we treat officers!" he exclaimed, worriedly. 

"You bastard, you promised to watch after them. You fucking promised me!" Ridwan yelled, small tears at the corner of his eyes. "My little brother is kidnapped because of you!"