The Things That Hurt The Most

It's the little things that make you smile. It's the big things that make you frown and cry.

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I never had much luck in life. I had many problems which were: eating disorder, trust issues, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anger issues. I also once self harmed but I got out of that.

Self harming turned into an addiction to me, nobody ever helped me out with that and luckily I was able to stop. My scars still remain on my wrist.

And every day as I got out of bed, I saw those scars. I now regret ever doing that, I was so stupid back then.

I have been able to control my depression without taking any pills, and have managed to keep my anger issues under control, but keeping an eating disorder under control was hard and I still can't do it. My suicidal thoughts still come and go, but my trust issues are out of control.

I am an only child, my parents are divorced, my dad's in jail, and my mom works all day long so she's never around.

I would've had a younger brother. His name would've been Aiden, but my father pushed my mom down the stairs when she was 7 months pregnant, it was right after an argument. The security cameras caught him and sent him to jail for murder, Aiden never made it. My mom lost her child. This all happened when I was 11.

And as you can see, I don't think my mom wants to see me at all. Soon after she lost Aiden she went into depression and when she gout out of it she became a workaholic. I'm not even sure what or where she works but I know she comes home late and leaves early in the morning.

I've never been to her room. I sometimes wonder what her room looks like but when I try its locked. I noticed that the keys are on her necklace, there's no way I could ever get them. I tried once one night but her room was locked.

My room, it's different from other teenagers. It has a twin sized bed on the far right corner, next to it is a nightstand with a blue lamp. It has all those furnitures that any 'normal' room would have but what makes my room different is that my walls are or were white. It's now covered in writing: thoughts, lyrics, words, books, anything that comes to mind or anything that I hear. All my walls are covered in black marker along with the ceiling.

My house is just like any other house: sofas, chairs, tables, kitchen, you name it. It's also decorated with certificates my mom received and old pictures of me. But I don't like this house, not one bit.

I used to have a dog. It was a German shepherd. His name was Steve. But he died a year after I had gotten him. My dad wasn't always a great dad, he beat the dog until it died then buried its body in the backyard. One reason why I don't want to go outside. After that, my mom didn't want me to have any pets.

So I walk alone in this house. My only friend is the tv. I really don't have any friends at school, I talk to some people here and there but I don't consider them my friends. My trust issues won't let me.

These trust issues started when my dad started drinking. He was an alcoholic. He would talk to me and tell me that nobody cared about me, that if I died there would be no one in my funeral, that I was a waste of time and space and after so long of hearing him tell me these things I started to believe him. I started pushing my friends away and soon was left with no one.

I ended up being a loner in school. That one person sitting in the back of the classroom wearing dark clothing being quiet and not having friends. During lunch I would sit on the far corner of the cafeteria and read a book or do some homework.

I got so used to this that I eventually ended up liking being a loner. I liked that no one bothered you or that you had all the time to catch up on work or whatever.

School doesn't start until another month. I have most of the things I will need for school in my closet.

I sometimes wished that I could be homeschooled so I wouldn't go thought the trouble of waking up early every morning and having to walk to school and then just sit there in class waiting for the rest of the students to shut up.

But that wouldn't happen and I knew it. What if I went and bought myself a dog? Would my mom notice? I'm not sure if she would but she is the one to buy groceries and that type of things, she sometimes leaves me money on the table and a note along with it telling me to buy some clothes or things that I need.

But I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of having no one to talk to. My grandparents are living in France right now and I'm not even sure if they're alive or dead, they never call or come visit, it's like they're not even there.

I had a boyfriend once but he cheated on me with Rachel, the schools slut who had bigger breasts and longer legs. The relationship was perfect. We never argued but we did have different opinions on certain things which we had small funny arguments. I'd never thought about our relationship ending until I found him one day while I was walking to his house. He was sitting on the couch and she was sitting on top of him.

But things never go my way so I ended up getting over the relationship and since then, I havent had any other relationship. That's not what my life is about, it's not about stupid relationships, it's about the things that hurt me the most.

It's about nobody being there because those are the things that hurt me the most.