Change//H.S

t h i r t y o n e

"Hop in stranger" Niall smiled at me as I opened the door of his car "Niall you literally saw me 5 nights ago" I rolled my eyes

"So I was thinking food?" He questioned quite hesitantly. The past few days have been strange, know body has heard from Harry still but his management have confirmed he is safe. Everyone has constantly been trying to make plans with me and hourly checking that I'm ok, the truth is I don't know if I'm ok.
I'm telling everyone I'm ok.
But it's a lie.

I breathed in and nodded before focusing on the road, I had no idea where we were going for food and honestly I don't think I cared, I wasn't going to eat it anyways. No I'm not falling into an eating disorder, I'm not to depressed to eat, in fact I don't even know what it is all I know is I'm to busy thinking about what's happened to eat.

"Are you sleeping ok?" Niall looked over to me before fixing his eyes back on the road 'actually no, my brain has been working 24/7 trying to figure out why a person who claims to love me has treat me this badly' but obviously I couldn't admit that "like a baby actually, I think it's these colder nights" I nodded trying to convince myself

"Mhm" Niall tapped on his steering wheel

"How's Esmae?" I changed the subject

"Still not feeling to good, she's struggling to eat everything's just coming back up. The doctor has gave her some medication but it's not helping, she's having a rest day today"

"Definitely pregnant" I winked at him adding a small laugh

"Don't be saying that, I'm far from ready to be a parent yet, I'm still a 16 year old boy at heart" he laughed back

***
"Thank you for today niall" I smiled getting out his car

"Honestly it's ok, I've had a great time" he smiled back. I turned on my heel before he stopped me "hey Maddie, you don't need to lie to us. It's ok to be hurting, he's a dick and he will get what he deserves for treating you this way. Text me if you ever need anything"

"Thank you Niall bye" I quickly spoke before making my way up my drive

"Remember it's ok to hurt" he shouted, I didn't turn around I continued to make my way up to the safety of my own empty house.

Malia has been gone for a while now, I have no idea where but she woke me up early hours this morning to tell me she was off out and she still, at 4pm, wasn't back.

I sat on my bed with my phone sat in front of me again, I couldn't continue to ring him because he wasn't answering and it was a waste of my time but there was nothing else I could possibly do.

Just the thought of him answering the phone yesterday made me happier but then the part where he hung up without one word, almost making it out to be a mistake, put me back into the sadness I was currently feeling.

"You know what right, no more soppy voicemails. I'm sorry that I got drunk, I'm sorry you scared me to the point I couldn't give you the answers you we're looking for in the argument, I'm sorry that you fucking physically abused me because I'm a shitty girlfriend and that probably means I deserve it. But I just want you to know that while your in some luxury country probably having the time of your life I'm stuck at home dehydrated from all the tears I've cried, loosing weight because I'm finding it hard to physically keep anything down and totally drained because I haven't been able to sleep because I've been busy thinking about how it's my fault that I got the blame and that I got the bruises and the pain and that Ive had to suffer for the past few weeks all because your to selfish to even give me a tiny bit of hope. So fuck you Harry because I don't need you, I have never needed anyone" tears were now streaming down my face, I had never opened up like that before ever in my life but now that I had I felt so much better.

I turned my phone of locking it into my bedside draw before putting my head to the pillow, letting the tears that were still falling send me to sleep.

This next part is just going to me pouring my personal heart out and mostly explaining the past few chapters, so if you don't care then please skip.

For the past 1 and a half years I have been with someone who at first treat me  well but slowly started to get more controlling and intimidating basically down to the point where I didn't even want to show my arms in front of him anymore because I didn't feel comfortable doing that. My body isn't anything to be ashamed of personally, I have a healthy living Style, or at least I try my best to, but there was just something about him which didn't make me feel like I should be ok with showing my body to him.

Basically from the argument until now (in the book) has been my life for the past month ( obviously not the whole famous mam party thing ) for the same reason that me going out with my friends and having a drink (underaged yes) is embarrassing to him because his posh ass parents haven't brought him up to believe that them things are the classy things to do, but sadly his parents didn't bring him up to know how to treat a girl right.

Like In the book he walked out after an argument and I haven't heard or seen him since, I have tried so hard to get in touch but theres still no look at all in fact the only thing that hasn't been blocked is my number which I think is down to the fact that he knows that me being able to have a small connection with him will keep me attached and upset while he's out having a great time somewhere ignoring me.

I never thought that I would be putting my personal life into a book because it makes me feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable as I literally never talk to anyone about my problems. I never expected to publish this book personally, I wrote it more as a diary but keeping it unpublished felt the exact same as keeping it all inside so I decided to publish this after making it a bit for suitable to the audience, and it's helping a lot actually.

For example tonight the chapter you've just read had been running through my mind but writing it down in a story way and adding the Niall bit made me feel like I had some comfort towards this situation. I hope to reunite Harry and Maddison as a way to finally get over this 1 and a half year nightmare I have been living just to get some sort of satisfying feeling that in fact  he hasn't just left me with no reasoning or anything like that and in fact in some way we have managed to sort it out like mature people would even if he isn't allowing us to do that.
Thank you to the people that took time to read this.
.L x