Coming Out

@VincentCarrow

I recently came out to my best friend, my very first guy crush. I identify as gay (or bi, I'm not yet sure which). My best friend and I used to do everything together. We practically grew up together like in those old cliche movies you see on TV. I met him in forth grade... here I am, a senior in highschool. Since the moment I realized I liked him, I kept my feelings bundled inside, I tried to hide what I really felt. 

He was somewhat self-absorbed in his younger days (and rightfully so), your typical football jock these days, but I'd never seen him act towards anybody else as he did towards me. He seemed.... different. This gave me hope in my feelings for him. He always encouraged me to try new things and he pushed me to be the best I could be in a kind a loving way. In the past, he'd admitted to liking girls before, but his words never matched up with his actions, always preferring to be with me instead. His patience was often short with people, but it lengthened when I was around. He always shared his personal feelings with me, never opening up to anyone else. I can recall the countless sleepovers we'd had.... play fighting, wrestling around, talking. I remember several times he'd fallen asleep while we were still entangled with one another (every time, I'd hoped he'd done it intentionally). 

One of my favorite memories of him, to this day, occurred in our more recent past together. I remember I was washing my hand before dinner at his house and he came darting down the hallway "running from his younger brothers." I remember he raced into the bathroom with me in it, whirled around and quickly bolted the door. He turned around, pressed his back against the wall and sighed. I dried my hands and pressed my back against the opposite wall smiling. He started to get up, as did I, he held my eyes with his (almost as though he was about to kiss me.....) then his little brothers pounded on the door, diverting his attention. I always go back and wonder what would've happened had his focus stayed on me. 

No more than a month after this event took place, they moved away due to his father's work. I still keep in touch with him through email, but he was never one to give quick replies. We've spoken over email for nearly two years now and up until last week, I hadn't had the courage to tell him. He'd email me and at the end of his message he'd reply "if you ever need anything, just let me know. I'll always be there for you." Messages like this would warm my heart. He was my only friend left from my childhood (And I'm not really exaggerating). Everything I like or do is pretty much inspired by him. 

His family planned to come visit us next summer, so I'd intended on having a discussion with him face to face when he came. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I'd never come out to someone in person before and I was dead scared to do it.... especially to my best friend. I intended on waiting until something happened.... nearly made me wanna cry. He told me he liked this girl and that he was intending on asking her out to the winter dance at his school. I'd normally shrug something like that off if the pictures he'd attached of the two of them weren't so real looking. His arm was up around hers and he actually tilted his head for once. The way he talked about her, I knew he was serious this time. He wanted to share his excitement with me, but it hurt more than anything. His smiles brought me frowns and his joy brought me sorrow. All I could do was reply back that I was happy for him, hiding my real thoughts behind smiling emojis and words of encouragement. I sucked it up and let it go.... for two weeks I said nothing. 

When the pictures kept coming through I couldn't handle it.... I had to tell him. I started the topic by talking about him and his soon to be girlfriend. Two weeks ago, he'd asked me what I thought about her and I didn't give him a clear answer, so I brought back that subject to mind. I told him that I felt jealous, then he asked me what I meant, which lead to me telling him how I'd felt about him. He remained silent for a long while till I asked him to say something. He replied with "The news you've just given me is equivalent to dropping a nuke.... I don't know what to think yet." And that answer was somewhat satisfactory to me, but it also guilted me. Why hadn't I told him sooner? I apologized and he replied with the words I'd least expected. He told me that he was glad I told him because bundling in feelings isn't healthy and it constricts one's self. Now over the years, I'd always underestimated his knowledge on feelings, but this was the perfect display that he understood. Those were the most comforting words I'd ever heard him say. 

Ever since, I haven't heard back from him on the particular subject, I'd imagine that he'd like to discuss things in person, so I still don't know if my feelings are reciprocated, but I'm happy enough knowing that he accepts me as I am. My best friend, my only childhood friend still cares about me, despite me being "different."