Love Me Fearless

Prologue.

Ever since I was a kid, I always believe with falling in love once —that I will marry my first boyfriend and spend the rest of my life with him.

First and Last...

Walang second time. Hindi kasi ako naniniwala na kaya pa ulit magmahal ng isang tao pagkatapos nang una. Our hearts can only beat for someone at once.

For me, it was just an excuse to say, "It's not working anymore". Kailangan mo lang talaga maghanap ng isang daang rason o kahit higit pa kung bakit worthy ipaglaban ang pagmamahalan niyo. Never pumasok sa isipan ko na sa kabila ng mga rasong nahanap ko, ay ang posibilidad na wala na ang pag-ibig. Gan'on kasi ang na-witness ko from my grandprents to my parents.

It's the first and last.

Walang second. Walang iba. Kaya akala ko gan'on din dapat kapag nand'on na ako sa point na 'yun ng life ko. 'Yun ang pangarap ko para sa sariling love story.

"Uhmm... excuse me, ma'am! May I help you with anything?" May pag-iingat na tanong ng waitress. Pang-ilang beses na ata nila akong nilapitan at tinanong ng parehong tanong pero laging oo lang ang nagiging sagot ko. Laging tubig lang din ang hinihingi ko sa kanila. Nahihiya na nga ako dahil wala pa akong inoorder na kahit anong pagkain sa kanila simula ng dumating ako rito kaninang 6 p.m. Pakiramdam ko tuloy naiinis na sila sa akin gayunpama'y nagpapasalamat pa rin ako sa respetong binibigay nila sa akin.

I exhaled before I looked up to answer her, "Can I have some wine? ...please!" Umayos naman ito ng tayo bago ako sinagot. "Sure, in a minute!" Tumalikod na ito at pumunta sa kung saan.

Tumingin ako sa aking wristwatch and I sighed when I saw what time it is already. It's aready 9:45 p.m. pero hanggang ngayon wala kahit konting anino nya ang nagparamdam. Tumingin ako sa bintana sa kaliwa ko. I can see the city lights coming from the tall buildings in the city. Ang liwanag at ang kukulay nila. Malayong-malayo sa nararandaman ko ngayon. Dull, unknown, loss, and emptiness like black.

I looked at my phone on top of the table and there was no reply from him. Ni-walang 'Sorry, I can't come.' or kahit simpleng 'No.' man lang. Just nothing. Nothing from him.

I'm actually anxious that he won't come but a part of me was...and is still hoping that he will come. Maybe for us to talk and give us a chance.

But he didn't.

Bumalik na ulit ang waitress dala-dala ang wine na hiningi ko kanina at umalis lang agad pagkatapos mailapag ang mga iyon sa lamesa sa aking harapan. I have a sip of it and bring back my gaze to the city lights.

I look pathetic waiting for someone who doesn't want to come to me anymore. Hindi ko na rin talaga maintindihan yung sarili ko kung bakit hinahayaan kong magpakatanga sa isang taong di ako kaya mahalin pabalik. Matalino ako pero pagdating sa kanya ang tanga-tanga ko.

I've been fighting for this relationship with all of me. Walang kulang, walang labis. Pero di ko matukoy kung saan pa ako nagkukulang. Kung meron pa ba akong hindi nagagawa kaya di nag-wowork.

I felt my tears rolling down to my cheeks. I wiped it off using my fingers, desperately, hoping that it will stop immediately, but it won't.

Sobrang sakit dahil alam kong ako na lang ang lumalaban sa aming dalawa. That after all these years of fighting for this relationship, I am here on the edge, fighting for it alone.

I stood up and left a Two-thousands peso bills on the table before I left. I call a cab to bring me to our house. I can't call it home anymore because the love was no longer there.

When I got there, I grabbed my two luggages and went straight to my closet. I packed everything I owned and made sure that I'm not going to leave anything. Walang matitira, walang maiiwan. Siya lang at yung natitirang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Sinigurado ko talagang I didn't leave anything. I just left.

I did everything I could do for us. Even if it means losing myself in the process. I forgave quickly for the means of saving us. I forgot everything for the means of loving him. I didn't care if it consumes me really bad.

Because I want my first and last.

Pero pagod na ako.

Ayoko na.

Hindi ko na ipipilit.

This will be the last time I'd let myself fall again.