Secondhand Smoke [m.h]

Part Eighteen.

Waking up in the morning was so strange.. feeling a familiar warmth next to me, yet in my own bed.
I feel my fingers resting against soft skin.. Matty's soft skin.
I move them my fingers around, feeling the light indents of his abs across his stomach.
I squint my eyes as they adjust to the light, I search for his face until I realize it's up higher.
He stares down at me, his features soft. He glances at my hair as he twirls a strand between his fingers.
"Have you been watching me?" I ask, rubbing my eyes.
He grins, "Not for that long."
I roll my eyes and throw one of my pillows at him before getting out of bed.
I walk into the bathroom and brush my teeth.
Matty appears in the doorway and stares at me through the mirror.
I sigh through the foaming toothpaste in my mouth and slide open one of the drawers, pulling out a new toothbrush that's still in the package.
I toss it on the counter and slide the tube of toothpaste over.
He chuckles to himself and walks towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist, his fingers sliding gently right above the top of my underwear.
He rests his head on my shoulder and presses kisses against my neck.
I pull my t-shirt down and try to feel less exposed, but it doesn't work.
He slides over to unpack the toothbrush, and I use that time to spit in the sink and rinse my brush.
I swish with mouthwash and he pokes my side, trying to make me laugh so I spit it out.
I just playfully shove him and finish swishing before spitting it in the sink.
I drink some water in the cup beside the sink as he starts to brush his teeth.
"You really love testing me, Matty Healy." I say to him, walking past him.
He tries to reach for me again and I sneakily run past him.
I know he still has to brush my teeth so I walk in my room and shut the door, locking it behind me.
I slide off my clothes and put on clean ones.
I decide on a loose tank top with joggers.. today is going to be a chill day.
I hear the water from the sink run and then one more time, which signals me that he's almost done.
I tie my hair up into a high ponytail and apply some deodorant and perfume.
As I go to open the door, I notice that it's silent.
This can't be good.
I slowly open the door to see the bathroom empty and the whole apartment silent.
He probably left, I guess.. but wouldn't he say goodbye first?
Did I do something wrong?
I slowly walk down the hallway and into the kitchen, looking around.
I shrug and open the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water and taking a sip from it.
It's still completely silent.
"Matty?" I call out.
Still silent.
I walk towards the living room and grab my phone to text him.
Suddenly he pops out from next to the couch and grabs me by my waist, throwing me down on the couch.
He pins my wrists down, "Got you."
"Yeah, right." I say, unhooking his wrists from me and using his weight above me to spin him off the couch and onto the floor.
Now I am on top of him, pinning his wrists to the ground.
I straddle his waist as I tower over him.
"You thought." He says, pushing me upwards and down onto my back, so now he has flipped on top.
He lets go of my wrists.
I roll my eyes, "We could do this forever—"
He leans down and kisses me, softly and passionately.
I smile and lightly run my fingers through his hair at the bottom of his neck.
He moves downwards, using his forearms to steady himself above me.
His body just barely touches mine.
Our lips separate and we both take breathes, trying to come back down to earth.
His eyes stare into mine and I can't help but feel like I'm looking into him.
I wrap my legs around his waist and he gets up from the ground, holding onto me as he walks with me across my apartment.
"Don't you think we should talk about more stuff now, love?" He asks me, softly.
I nod, "It has to happen at some point, might as well do it now."
He grabs my water bottle from the counter and opens the fridge, grabbing one more.
He carries me back to my room and lays down on the bed with me.
I sit up and he hands me my water.
I rest my hand on his knee and run my fingertips in circular motions, "I asked a lot of questions last night.. do you have any for me, first?"
"I actually do. Did you, ehm... see anyone?" He asks, his voice shaking slightly.
I can tell he's uncomfortable so I just laugh.
"Believe me, I tried my hardest to forget you. Look how that worked out." I admit, looking down at the bed.
He blinks, "Did you.."
"Yeah, okay? Don't tell me that you didn't. I saw your Instagram, you had plenty of women." I say, brushing his comment off.
He shakes his head, "I didn't sleep with them. I made out with a few but they didn't taste like you, they weren't you.. and I kicked them out every time. You're the first person who ever made me feel this way."
"Oh.. well, if it makes you feel any better.. I was shit drunk the night it happened.. you called me right after and I was a total mess. I was hitting him before I left, I think.. and all I remember was screaming that he wasn't you.. so.." I mumble.
He shakes his head, "I'm really sorry.. that I made you feel that way and all of that must have felt like shit."
"It wasn't fun. It's fine, though—"
"No, it's not. I hurt you, Bella. Don't diminish this, now.. I fucked up. I royally fucked things up with you and I don't even deserve to be sitting here right now. You deserve so much better and I'm terribly sorry that you thought otherwise. I never wanted to hurt you, I just thought I had to. Don't make excuses for my actions, even if they were made with good intentions." He demands, staring at me with a serious expression.
I feel a tear spill down my cheek and I quickly swipe it away, "Dammit, Matty."
"Don't cry, okay?" He says, leaning forward and kissing me quickly.
I nod and take a deep breath, "Thank you. Any more questions?"
"What do you have holding you down here, other than your brother & your mum?" He asks, biting down on his lip.
I think about that for a long time.. but I really can't think of anything.
It makes me sad for a moment to think of what's truly important here in my life.. and coming up with a blank.
I've seen so much that everything is now completely dull here.
I don't answer him, I just shrug and stare down at the material of my joggers, pinching the fabric with my fingers.
"Move in with me." He blurts, simply.
My head snaps up to stare him directly in the eyes.
"What?" I gasp in disbelief.
He moves closer to me, pulling me on his lap.
"Move in with me.. in England." He tells me.
I blink, "How— what-"
"We can figure everything out. I want you to live with me.. and I want to be better for you. I don't want anybody else in this world." He tells me.
"M-Matty—" I stammer, trying to get any words out.
He places his hands on my hips and softly moves his hands against my back.
"I also want you to be my girlfriend. Seriously, truly, genuinely." He says, small smile playing at his lips.
I just stare at him, my jaw hanging open.
"How— What can I even say? My brain tells me to discuss this with my family and take a long time to decide but my heart is beating out of my chest right now. I don't know what to do. The distance and desperation between us was unbearable.. and I trust you enough to be a man of your word. I know this won't be easy and of course it's nerve-wracking... but I've never been so sure of something.. and that something is that I am truly, madly and deeply in love with you, Matty Healy." I tell him, running my hands down his arms.
He smiles, "It terrifies me but I love you, Isabella. I don't want to fuck it up again, I can't lose you. I don't expect you to decide right this second. Take time to talk to your family and friends.. but I have to leave to get back home to the studio tomorrow night. I need an answer by tomorrow morning. Obviously, if you came with.. I would be thrilled. I'd happily get anything you like and furnish anything at my home for you.. but anything you want to bring can be arranged for a private jet. I don't care if I need to spend more money. It's worth it."
I am unsure of what to say so I just hug him. I hug him so tightly and breath in his scent.
He has helped me to experience some of my best memories, helped me see.. life.
"I'm going to go over to my mom's house right now and talk to them.. and then go see a few friends. You're welcome to stay here or there's plenty of places in walking distance.. and I can leave you money for a cab.. or you can drop me off and use my car—"
He places his hands on the sides of my head, "Babe, stop your worrying. I'll be just fine in the area or here. I have some phone calls to make and social medias to update. Do you happen to have a notebook and a pen, though?"
I get off the bed and walk to my desk drawer, pulling out a clean notebook I never used yet.
I grab one of my best pens from the pencil holder and hand them both to him.
"Thanks, love. Now take some deep breathes and think, okay? It'll all be alright, no matter what." He assures me, kissing my forehead.
I nod and slowly walk out of my bedroom.
"I'll leave my spare key with you in case you need to leave. I'll text you when I'm on my way back." I tell him before walking down the hallway.
"Okay, love you!" He shouts.
I freeze in the hallway and a smile so big spreads across my face to the point that it actually hurts my cheeks.
This is seriously a reality?
"Love you too!" I respond, walking to the front door and leaving.
I walk out to my car and get in, starting the car and driving to my mom's house.
My brother would be home from school by now and my mom should have stopped home before going to her next job.
I tap my fingers on the steering wheel, nerves pitting in my stomach.
Sam Smith plays through my car's speakers, his CD being left on from earlier.
I try to focus on the road, yet my brain is still going wild from all the information I'm having to process.
Can I really move out of the country? I mean.. I know my passport isn't expired quite yet, but.. literally. This is such a huge step.
All I will have is Matty, pretty much.. and that comforts me, yet scares me.
I'll have to get myself out there and find people, which will be a new adventure.
I try to weigh the pros and cons.. if I stay, what will my life be like here? Will I be happy? Matty easily will slip through my fingers and with the distance.. what can we even do?
However, I'd still be here for my mom.. and my brother.
I'd hate to leave him, I really would.
However, I am an adult and can make my own choices.
I have to "grow up" sometime.
I pull in my mom's driveway and park, preparing myself and my words.
"Hey mom, remember that guy that I left with for a month.. well, I know I pretty much have just gotten home.. Peace out, I'm moving with him to England.. a country I've never been in!"
No. Absolutely not.
I decide on something better as I walk up to the front door, knocking lightly.
I hear my brother's voice as he peers in the tiny window.
"Bella!" He exclaims.
He runs out, hugging me tightly.
I grin, "Ben! I missed you!"
"I missed you too! Come on, mom isn't feeling good today and I'm sure she'd love to see you!" He says, grabbing my hand and pulling me inside.
I mentally slap myself in the face for doing this if she's already not feeling good.
We both go upstairs and I peer in her room and see her buttoning her nurse's shirt.
She's been working for a nursing home which makes my heart warm.
"Hey, mom.." I mumble, sitting on the edge of the bed.
She smiles, "Hi, honey."
We both walk to each other and hug tightly.
She holds on longer than usual.
Once our hug is over, I stand awkwardly.. unsure of what to do or say first.
"Honey.. is something wrong? You look like you're going to pass out!" She notices, trying to comfort me.
I glance over to Ben who stands in the doorway, "Hey, could you give me a second with mom? I'll be in your room to see you next."
"Yeah!" He says, running to his room.
As soon as he leaves, I sit down on the edge of the bed and tears begin to spill down my cheeks.
"M-Mom, I'm so sorry." I cry, shaking my head.
She immediately rushes over, "No, no.. what happened? What's going on?"
"I don't want to tell you this or even ask you about it, but I had to at least ask what you thought." I stammer, looking up at her.
She runs her hand over the back of my head, "Tell me."
"Matty is at my apartment right now. He flew in and apologized.. like, truly. Mom, he told me he loved me.. and I- I love him, too. He asked me.." I try to finish what I'm saying but it gets stuck in my throat.
She furrows her eyebrows, "You're getting married?"
"No! No, no.. he— he asked.. he asked me to move in with him.." I sigh, "In England.."
Her mouth opens slightly, "Oh, wow. That's.. that's dedication."
"Mom, I know it's crazy but I don't want to live each day without him by my side.. I've lived here all my life and I finally experienced so much.. and I want to continue to do that.. I know that it's scary but I trust him, mom.. he means so much to me—"
"Go." She interrupts.
I stare up at her, "What?"
"Go. Move in with him, Bella." She repeats.
I blink rapidly, "Whoa, mom.. why are you so quick to say that?"
"I haven't seen you like this or heard you talk like this about anyone. I know from what you've told me that he has a toxic past and the way you guys split ways broke you.. but the fact that he's here? I hope he treats you amazing.. and as of now, I have trust that he will do you right. If you need me, I'm one phone call away.. or if something goes wrong, come home. Sell your apartment, break your lease.. Move with him and if something happens and you need to come home.. or even if you're home sick.. you'll have a place here and we'll figure it out. I love you and you deserve to experience more things. This is a one chance situation.. and I think you should take it. When do you leave?" She explains.
I bite down on my lip, "Tomorrow night.."
"Wow, well.. I work a tight double tomorrow so I guess this is goodbye. Honey, I wish all the best for you. Don't worry about anything here, okay?" She tells me.
I nod and blink away hot tears, "I love you so much, mom."
"I love you so much more. Please be safe.. call, text.." She says, hugging me tightly.
We both take deep breathes as we embrace, before she releases me and moves to finish getting ready.
I walk out of her room and to Ben's room, waving to him as I walk in the doorway.
"Hey! Is everything alright?" He asks me, setting down his phone.
"Depends.. Ben, this is like— the hardest thing ever to tell you and possibly do.. but.. Matty wants me.. to move with him to England." I tell him, dragging it out.
"Tomorrow." I add.
His mouth opens wide but then it turns into a smile, "Oh my gosh! That's so amazing, Bella!? What the hell!? I would have never imagined this would have turned into this. This is so exciting! You obviously have to say yes!" He exclaims, his voice in a super happy tone.
He frowns, "I mean— I know I'll miss you so much but I'll see you again. We can FaceTime and stuff. Bella, you deserve to go somewhere else than here. We'll be okay."
"Wow.. I'm— thank you so much." I say, pulling him in a hug.
"I love you, big sis. Take care of yourself." He whispers in my ear.
I grin as tears form in my eyes, "I love you too, little bro. I will. You do the same, please."
He nods and we disconnect our hug.
I walk to leave and wave at him. He waves back and smiles big.
As I walk down the hallway, I can't hold back the tears.
This is.. insane. It hurts to leave them but I know what's coming would be.. amazing.
I leave the house and get back in my car before driving to Rebecca's house.
As I arrive, I notice her car is in her driveway.
I walk up to the front door and knock.
I only have to wait a few moments before she opens the door and squeals.
"Hi!" She laughs, hugging me.
Her perfume is overwhelming and applied alarmingly heavy.
I laugh, "Hi.. I kind of have something to.. tell you."
I hear a male voice and watch as Robert walks in the room.
He gasps, "Bella!?"
"Robert!" I laugh, running and hugging him.
I hadn't seen him in ages. He looks good!
"You two know each other?" Rebecca asks.
I nod, "We went to high school together!"
"She was better at me in soccer." He laughs, nudging me.
I roll my eyes, "Yeah right."
We all laugh before Rebecca asks, "What brings you here?"
I sigh and bite down on my lip.
"I'm.. I'm moving to England with Matty." I mumble.
Robert smiles, "Oh my gosh! That's so great! Congratulations, Isabella!"
"Wow, Bella.. that's.. wild. I'm going to miss you so much and I hope that he does it right this time." She tells me, hugging me.
I nod, "I'll be careful. We'll be careful.."
"Good. When are you leaving?" She asks me.
"Tomorrow." I answer.
"Whoa!" Rebecca and Robert say in unison.
"Well I wish you the best of luck, good to see you." Robert tells me, giving me a side hug.
"Yeah, please text and call.. and visit when you're here. I love you. Go home and get packed." Rebecca tells me.
I grin, "Thank you. I love you. Please be safe, Becca."
"I will. Have fun, okay?" She tells me as she opens the door for me.
I nod and leave, feeling the air brush my skin.
I get back to my car and climb in, thinking about who else to call.
Who else would even care that I didn't live here, really?
They can suck it, I guess.
For now, I have phone calls to make.. an apartment to sort through and pack up.. a beautiful boyfriend to talk to..

and a flight to catch tomorrow.

_______
long ass chapter daYUM!!!!

was anyone expecting that? haha
thank you SO much for 1k reads!?? wtf!??
i love y'all so much.

i hope to update more??? who knows.
i didn't proofread this as i'm in a tent rn and it's 3AM lol ok

goodnight y'all. hope you're doing okay.

much love.

xo
- adrianna