Outside the Lines (lashton)

(21) +0 -250

"How much do I weigh?" I ask, trying to read through the paper but it's too thick.

She walks in front of the scale and lifts the paper so only she can see the revealed numbers. "I've been told not to tell you your weight, I apologise," she writes something down on a chart.

Well, if I wasn't already irritated...

I have the words on my tongue to ask why I'm not allowed to know but I decide not to. Instead, I stay silent until I arrive back to my hospital room.

My parents try to talk to me after the nurse leaves but I continue my silence. I don't speak until someone new walks into the room.

"Hello Luke, I'm Doctor Isaac Lustine. How are you feeling?"

"I feel like I want to go home," I say.

He chuckles. Chuckles? Is this really the time to have a laugh? "Well, I'd advise against leaving. Let me explain what steps we are taking to care for you." I nod for him to continue. "Your vitals aren't up to where they should be, which is bad for an eating disorder case like yours. This means, if you attempt to eat, you could get re-feeding syndrome." That would mean I'd have to eat to begin with, ha. "Re-feeding syndrome is caused by a drastic shift in electrolytes and fluids, which happens to very malnourished patients when they try to re-introduce food into their daily diet. Usually, at a BMI that you have, you wouldn't be at risk of this but your vitals are very low currently." My parents nod along to what my doctor is saying.

"You know what he's talking about?" I ask them.

"We've been sat down and told what measures will possibly be taken," my mom tells me gently, patting my hand.

"We'd like to set up a nasogastric tube to re-introduce nutrients into your system at a slow and safe pace so re-feeding syndrome can be prevented," my doctor says.

Wait... so that means... "You'd be pumping calories into me?" I ask, feeling the panic rise inside me.

"We would not be pumping calories into you, Luke," I see him glance at the clipboard he's holding, checking my name. "We would be slowly introducing you to the nutrients you have been missing. Your BMI is very low. This, plus many other factors are possible causes of re-feeding syndrome."

"What's so bad about this syndrome then?" I ask angrily.

"Restoring body weight is the first step in treating an eating disorder. It's important to put your body back into a safe place, one where it isn't in danger of organ failure. Symptoms of re-feeding syndrome are fatigue, weakness, confusion, inability to breathe, high blood pressure, seizures, heart arrhythmias, heart failure, coma, and even death. Which is why we want to help prevent any of those from happening by slowly introducing you back to the nutrients you've been lacking," he says with a serious face.

"And what if I refuse?" I ask humourlessly.

"We can detain you under a legal order then," he says, his voice just as humourless as mine. I put my head in my hands. Is this really what my life has come to?

I bet anything that's not legal, but I don't argue against it in case it's true. "Fine then, put a tube in me. I don't care," I say, caring 100%. I look over to the IV in my arm, contemplating just ripping it out, wondering if calories are coming through there as well. "How long will this take?" I ask instead.

"The re-feeding process usually takes about a week to successfully put your body back to where it can handle its basic needs again. But you'd have to continue eating, of course, to continue your path of recovery. After a week here, we'll discuss what your next step should be, such as inpatient, outpatient, or seeing a dietitian and therapist while being at home.

"For now though, we need to place the nasogastric tube. I'll be right back with what we need to do so," he says walking out of the room.

My parents try to talk to me but I refuse to respond to them, too upset about being tube fed. I don't want to be tube fed. I don't want to be fed at all. This goes against everything I've worked for, I'm going to get so fat! This is unbelievable. I don't want to bring anything legal into this though. Ugh, why did I have to pass out?

Doctor Lustine comes back with a couple of nurses in tow, carrying a tray with tubes, a plastic syringe, and a cup of water with a straw along with a towel. There's more but I don't know what the items are. They start to get ready for the insertion by rising my bed up so I'm sitting upright, and measuring the tube to my body somehow. Then, they start to insert it, which yikes, isn't comfortable at all. Once it's in my nose, it starts to go down my throat and I start to gag from the feeling of the tube. At this point, they ask me to sip water from the straw because it will help the tube go down. While doing this I'm gagging and crying constantly, feeling so much discomfort from this. Why did I agree to this again?

Before I know it, it's down into my stomach. You'd think that the discomfort would end there but it doesn't. The tube makes it feel like you have a constant sore throat. You can feel it every time you try to speak or swallow. It's hell.

Once they're finished, the nurses leave. I can't believe this is happening. I close my eyes, deciding to forget about all of this. It's too much to think about.

My doctor speaks up, saying, "If your parents wouldn't mind, we have a therapist coming in to talk to Luke after I leave. Would you two mind leaving so he can have his session in private?"

My parents don't mind at all, and leave with the doctor.

I have barely any time at all before the therapist is walking in.