Touch (Will not be completed on Wattpad)

Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Leah

            My sweatshirt smells like Noah and it is making it very hard to concentrate on the lecture I should be paying attention too.  Instead, I’m closing my eyes and taking in his scent, feeling the corners of my mouth curl with the thought of him being close.  I remember this feeling with Lyle, back before it got so painful.  It’s amazing to me how one scent can bring so many memories.

            I move around in my chair and pretend to write in my notebook so the professor won’t be mad.  Right now I should be learning about this particular philosophy of teaching, but I can’t get my mind off of moving out of Noah’s apartment.  Moving is the right thing to do, I don’t doubt that for a minute, but somewhere deep inside my gut I feel like we are going to have some unfinished business.  I wonder if I had met Noah later in my life, perhaps a year or so from now, would I be able to convince him to give us a shot?

            From the outside he looks like a player, always switching the line-up of women so that none get too comfortable with being close to him.  After spending a few weeks living side by side, I know that he doesn’t choose his lifestyle from a place of narcissism, but instead from a dark part of his soul that has been hurt and destroyed.  He is capable of love.  The problem isn’t whether or not his heart possesses the ability to love someone, it’s that he has opened it to someone before and the space she once occupied is now filled with pain and pessimism. 

            My phone buzzes in my lap and I welcome the entertainment a text could offer since this professor is putting me to sleep.  What I don’t expect is a text from Lyle, but here it is staring back at me from the screen of my phone. 

Lyle:  Can I talk to you?

Over the past few weeks he has called a few times.  In the beginning I answered each call, but lately I have been ignoring them so I can screen the messages.  Being on the line with him is still so hard on my heart.  It takes everything I have not to yell at him to figure out what he wants before he drags me back down to that painful place.  He has begun to waiver from his steadfast realization that he doesn’t love me anymore, and hearing him talk those thoughts through with me on the line is killing me, one tear in my heart at a time. 

I know that I still love him, but something has shifted.  I look back on our time together and feel sad, but not because he isn’t with me.  I’m sad because he isn’t the same guy now that he is in those memories.  I’m realizing that it isn’t this new Lyle that I am grieving, it’s the Lyle from the beginning of our relationship.  If I am honest, that Lyle left long before we broke up.  I need to take a step back and figure out what I truly want going forward.  After all, if I were still so madly in love with Lyle, I wouldn’t be thinking about trying to save Noah from his future of empty relationships. 

Maybe a stronger woman would tell Lyle no.  She might be able to let the unanswered questions remain unanswered and move forwarded with the strength of knowing that it’s for the best.  I’m not that woman.  I’m lacking the ability to turn my back on the man I thought was my future because he isn’t acting the way I want him to.  There is still a part of me that believes we can fix this if we try really hard.  It would just require that the two of us were committed to making it work…and right now I can’t say that I feel that commitment. 

I blame Noah and his stupid videos.  Over the past few weeks I’ve been coding them and feeling my heart break each time the couple fails to connect with each other.  I would never admit this to Noah, but I see how he comes to the conclusions he has.  The numbers are really hard to argue at this point.  Right now there is only one couple that I am hanging onto hope for.  They are my evidence that we are not all doomed to have our hearts broken. 

The students around me begin to shuffle in their desks and I realize the lecture is finally over.  I decide a few minutes on the phone as I make my way across the campus wouldn’t hurt so I type out a quick text back to Lyle.

Me:  Sure.  I’m free in a minute.  I’ll call you. 

Lyle: Looking forward to it.

            I can’t help the eye roll when I read his message.  It’s another moment where I feel a small amount of resentment.  When he first broke my heart I wanted so badly to hear his voice, even if it was just for a minute.  He had told me it was for the best if we took a little break from talking, that hashing things out was only making it harder for me.  Now, he wants to do a little processing of his own and the rules have all changed.  Very convenient.  I’ll talk to him despite this injustice because I believe we should learn from each other and this experience.  Cutting someone off and pushing them away does not offer any closure for either of us. 

            I begin to dial Lyle’s number as I emerge from the crowded classroom.  The sun is shinning down and I squint my eyes against its brightness after being tucked away in a dark room for two hours.  As I hit send, I look up to make sure I am not going to bump into anyone as I walk.  I immediately regret it.  My eyes focus on Noah as he sits across from a woman on the small café patio across from my classroom. 

            I feel my feet become lead and find it difficult to move.  The students behind me push past me as I hear the phone ringing in my ear.  The woman leans forward and holds Noah’s hand on top of the table.  I can see from his now familiar smile that his happiness with her is genuine.  Our weeks together start to flash through my mind as I struggle to come up with who she might be and how I could have missed him being in any kind of relationship.

            Noah never promised me he was not seeing anyone.  I guess I have just been thinking he wouldn’t have time since we are always together.  The truth is, I don’t know his schedule on campus.  He could have easily been spending hours or even days with this woman without me even knowing.  I feel pain in my chest as soon as that realization sinks in.  I watch him put his hand on top of hers and then he leans forward and gives her small kiss. 

            The world around me closes in and I begin and I suck in air to help expand the tightening muscles that have a death grip on my heart and lungs.  I can feel the bite of tears at the back of my eyes as I tell myself to look away but can’t find the strength.

            “Leah?  Hello.  Are you there?”  It’s Lyles voice in my ear and it pulls me back into my body.  I close my eyes and shake away the image of Noah and the woman.

            “Yeah, Lyle, I’m here.”  I open my eyes again but my feet still won’t move from their position in the middle of the hallway. 

            “I think we should talk.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I want to give us another try.  I miss you.  I miss us.  Can we get together to discuss our future? I can drive out there to you.”  I have waited so long for these words to come out of his mouth, but they don’t feel as good as I thought they would.  In the distance Noah stands up and meets the beautiful woman across from him.  They wrap their arms around each other and I see the peaceful look on his face as he closes his eyes and absorbs her embrace. 

            I feel my throat closing up and my heart clenching tightly in my chest.  I take a deep breath and feel lost in the two worlds I’m currently standing in.  In one, Lyle is waiting for my response to the declaration I have spent countless hours praying for.  In the other, I just watch my Noah care deeply for a woman, something he has told me he is not capable of.  I believed him when he said he hasn’t been in love with any other woman, but from what I just saw I now know I have been a fool. 

            “We can talk about it.  I, um, I need to go.  You have my new address.  I should be back in my apartment Saturday.”  I don’t wait for him to respond before I end the call.  I turn back against the traffic of the students leaving the lecture halls and decide to take the long way home.  I was given a small gift today from the universe.  If I had never seen Noah with that woman he clearly cares about, if not loves, I would have always wondered if I could have been the one to help him.  Now I know that living right under his nose and creating such an intimate friendship with him was not enough.  What ever she has is what it takes to earn his love, and clearly I don’t have it.