Falling Again

Chapter 7 - Emotions

                “Hey babe. How you doing?” I asked even if I knew there will be no reply. “Yeah. I’m doing fine too.” I continued.

                “I mean, this past few days there’s this guy bugging me but I don’t hate it.” I said thinking of Marcus. “He’s an idiot Manwhore who sleeps with women. He doesn’t care much. He thinks like a turtle. He flirts like there’s no tomorrow. He thinks he’s some sort of divine being. He’s one of the in crowd really. He’s a popular douche and I don’t even know why. He likes to bug me and mess with my life...” but he makes me smile. No way! No way I’m gonna tell anybody that. Never. Keep telling yourself. Nope.

                “And he looks just like you.” Now that I thought of it, I never realized I really felt that way. He’s like Water and Fire mixed together. Impossible. But that’s what he is. . impossible. One second he’s the world’s biggest dickhead the next he transforms into a whole different person that tries to make me smile.

                “Mom and dad are the same old folks. Cheerful and lovely. I can’t understand how they love each other so much. Everyday they would be lovey dovey and all.” Yeah, more like PDA.

                 “I still remember how we wished we’d grow old like them and even after all the years we’d still be there for each other. . .” I looked up at the sky, my vision blurring as wetness covered it. “I-if it wasn’t for me. .” You’d still be here.

                A lone tear escaped from my eyes and I forcefully shut it as I try not to remember how hard it has been for me. You’ve got problems? Google Africa dear. I heard my inner voice say. Yup, the inner voice’s right.

                I composed myself not wanting to cry in front of Rodney’s grave. “Mike? He’s been moving forward with Perin. . .I think . .since I saw them practically naked.” I laughed as I remembered Perin’s tangled hair and flushed face wearing nothing but a blanket to cover herself.

                “The sky look’s beautiful today darling.” I whispered to the air hoping it would reach Rodney. I remember all the times I couldn’t imagine life without him and now that it actually happened I’m on the verge of forgetting how life was with him. I took deep breaths trying to erase the sad thoughts. It felt safe here. Under the shade of this big oak tree. It was perfect really. I felt complete being with him, even if it’s just like this.

                “I can’t believe it’s a year already babe.” I shuddered as the memories of the first few days after his death came back to me. I was hospitalized for 1 month because I wasn’t eating anymore. All I could see was nothing but Black and Gray. My sweet dreams of cupcakes and candies turned into nightmares. I always blamed myself, until now. My mom and dad were really depressed. They’ve tried past their limits just to make me smile and be healthy again.

                 I can’t really blame them. Before I was born I had an older brother but he died when he was twelve years old. My mom was already pregnant at that time.

                I let the blanket of silence envelop us feeling contented. Rodney and I had these moments. Yeah, including Mike. We were inseparable. I looked at my clock, it was almost 3 o’clock already. I stood up and wiped my butt. I looked at Rodney’s grave one last time and a sad smile crept up my face.

                “Goodbye dear.” I walked down the hill and called a cab. I arrived at Mahalo’s exactly to start my shift again. Big Mama was at her usual place consoling a crying teenager. I grabbed my apron and made my hair into a messy bun leaving strands of hair everywhere.