I hit the lock button on my phone again to see that it was still 7:17 pm, still the same as when I last checked it.
Shawn was late and I was beginning to get annoyed now. I opened up my phone and texted him asking if he was coming. I waited a moment seeing if he would read it but after the time changed to 7:18 pm, I locked it and sighed resting my head on the wall.
He wasn't really going to bail on me, was he?
I knew in the library he was fighting to come but that's likely because he was under the impression I had some scheme to fix our intimacy issues with more sex. I understood his hesitation but as it reached half past the hour I began to regret leaving what my plan was a surprise. I began to pace the room biting and picking at my lip, at one point I tasted blood and quickly stopped.
The time seemed to go on but once Shawn was forty minutes late my restlessness quickly turned into agitation. I went to sit on my bed, scowling as I did because I was pissed now and I felt stupid. The room gave me a reminder of how immature and whipped I was and I hated. Shawn was standing me up and I set up him to do it.
Picking up my phone I wrote up a quick message scolding him for what he did, but before I pressed the send button I hesitate. If I sent it I would feel even more idiotic later, so I deleted it all.
Now that I knew Shawn wasn't showing I sat on the bed not checking the time. He wasn't coming so checking was useless. Instead, I gazed off into the room thinking about how everything got so fucked up. As I began to think Shawn's words entered my mind.
"Maybe we moved too fast?"
So now maybe Shawn didn't want to move at all?
As I sat on my cold mattress all my doubt and insecurities invaded my mind and it felt like I was losing him all over again.
Why couldn't we just work? We should be able to work this out, we were best friends. But that's the thing, we hadn't been best friends for a while now. Shawn and I as best friends could have worked through this, but we didn't feel like best friends now since that night. The longer I sat alone in my quiet room the more doubt came and I began to wonder if he and I were really meant to be. Because if we were, then why was this so hard?
Then there was a knock on the door.
Startled I looked at my clock and it was almost eight now. There was another light tap.
Standing up I walk to the door and with every step, my resentment grew more. I paused a moment before unlocking the door and only opening it a little. Shawn stood outside, his eyes soft and sorry, but I was pissed now. He said nothing and I refused to, so we stood silence.
"You're an hour late," I said glaring at him.
He held his head down. "I know, but only came to say I'm not coming over."