Over the course of the following weeks, things were getting worse. I began to second guess myself with Shawn on almost everything. I'd ask myself almost every time if I was just being friendly or if I was flirting. Growing more unsure I felt the line of my friendship and my feelings beginning to blur. The more I grew unsure the more uncomfortable and tense I grew around Shawn, he had probably had no idea of this tension and never picked up on how I was feeling but that was because I was hiding it well. Nevertheless, there was a new wedge in our relationship and I had created it unintentionally.
It didn't help either that Shawn and Lindsey's relationship was slowly blossoming.
Their relationship was slow and it took about two weeks after the morning at Denny's for them to go on their first date. But when I got the call later that night from Shawn telling me all about their night, it hurt no differently. I wanted Shawn to be happy but the amount of irritation the situation gave me was draining me down because it felt he only called me anymore to fill me in on the details of their relationship. In addition, my course load was growing heavier and I was becoming more stressed and irritable and it didn't help there was an increase of girls hitting on Shawn left, right and centre.
Not only had I noticed the influx of girls daydreaming at Shawn during our class, but girls were becoming increasingly forward to get his attention. The girl who I recognized as the one who had gotten Shawn's notes from the weeks before, brought him a coffee. I noticed her name written on the coffee sleeve, Emily, in pretty penmanship just above her eleven digit phone number. Upset I turned away from the interaction but it didn't stop me from felling how giddy Shawn was next to me from the gesture. Both him and Emily chatted together wildly and I realized that it felt as if Shawn had completely forgotten I was there.
The more things like this happened the more I couldn't shake the feeling of abandonment from Shawn. I knew he wasn't actually leaving our friendship but the feeling of abandonment stemmed from the growing proof that I would never be more than just a friendship.
About a month after school started midterms had begun and I was struggling. The pressure of assignments, tests and my relationship with Shawn was bringing me down and I felt it taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. It was a Tuesday in the first week of October that I was reaching my breaking point. I hadn't showered in about three days and felt like shit. My caffeine intake was high and my emotions were chaotic.
'I won't be early, can you try and get me a seat?'
I texted Shawn desperately before I began the run across campus to make it on time to our lecture that afternoon. I was just hoping he might be able to show up a few minutes early to get us seats so we didn't end up in the very back due to my lateness.
After power walking across campus, I came into the room with my calves and shins burning. Looking around I began to scan about six or five rows up thinking it was the most likely location Shawn would have managed to get with his normal arrival time, but I didn't see him anywhere. Slowly I moved towards the stairs still searching while beginning to think Shawn wasn't here at all.