Picture Perfect - Dean Winchester x Reader

Chapter 12

~Two hours ago~

"Really wanted, (Y/n). Really were in love with him. Really felt things for Dean Winchester. Not when you realized it, not when you lived together and not when you started trying for a family. Those moments I do know about. I mean when it all really began, because I am sure of one thing, that I don't doubt you know deep down as well-" she paused, as you practically held your breath. The heart monitor next to you almost going crazy in the deafening silence that she let rest between the two of you.

"It was so long before Sam's death."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about." you said angrily, turning your head away.

"Oh but you do, your heart clearly says so." she said with a smile, glancing at the machine next to you "You really do know what I am talking about, (Y/n). And that's what hurts the most. It's not the guilt at being with Dean when Sam was gone, it's not the guilt of having your daughter call her uncle 'dad' in front of her real father... it's the guilt you feel at knowing everything I'm saying is true. Tell me, how could you really hide it even from yourself that you always had feelings for Dean hm? You were with his own brother, loved Sam, slept with him, were about to have a child with him too and yet there was that small part of your heart that wished it could be all about Dean."

You clenched your jaw, shutting your eyes as you felt your heart want to beat out of your chest. You had been fighting the thought for so long, years actually, ever since you first kissed Dean that time but you knew it was always at the back of your mind. And now that she said it out loud you felt the pain spread inside you worse than how any knife would have cut on you. And the worst part of it? The thing you hated the most that made you not want to even think about it? You knew it was true.

"Shut up." you wanted to hiss at her but it only came out as a broken whisper.

"Oh I've hit a nerve, haven't I?" her eyebrows shot up "So it really was while you were with Sam, hm. For a moment I doubted it but- even as you got pregnant with Mary you kept denying it? I mean I can understand why but I still find it hard to believe you just woke up and realized it all when Sam died."

You let out a shaky breath, a tear rolling from your eye "It wasn't when Sam died." your voice was hoarse.

"Then when? When did you realize you had actual feelings for Dean, (Y/n)? Before that, right? Sam was still alive and you had realized you were in love with his brother as well? And you didn't break up with him or take some time to yourself?" her eyebrows shot up "Oh wow you Winchesters are really messed up." she chuckled and you gritted your teeth.

"Screw you" you growled "You have no right to lecture or judge me when, despite knowing that I am pregnant, you kicked and hit me to knock me out. You say you're hunters but to me you look just as bad as the monsters I hunted my entire life. The only difference is the fancy clothes and tools you have."

"Getting defensive, alright I don't blame you. You're hurting, guilt is really getting the best of you now. But to be honest... I'm kind of dissapointed, (Y/n). I didn't take you for that kind of girl. I mean, sure you didn't want to hurt Sammy's feelings and that's alright but you didn't say a word to Dean, even when you saw how he too felt. Why?" she leaned back in her chair "Probably none of you realized how strong it was back then but you were falling in love with your boyfriend's brother and all you did was... what exactly?"

"I loved Sam." you whispered, staring at the floor numbly "I still do."

"But you loved and love Dean too, right?"

"I didn't know what it was, I tried to push it in the back of my mind. I tried to fight it, ignore it, anything. I tried to think all those lingering touches were just my imagination, I tried to think the way he looked at me was nothing, I tried to think that him stepping in front of me so protectively was just a reflex or- or me being family. I tried to think that his goodbye hugs when I couldn't join hunts were because- because we have always been close, because we had always been best buddies and because I- I was like a little sister to him, the one he never wanted. He'd said so once." you ended up mumbling, blinking your tears away "And I tried to think the way he took care of me, making sure I ate and slept properly, preparing food for me – healthy at that, when I was pregnant – was just in him. Dean has always been like a brother to me. Always."