say something | l.s.

- Chapter 35 -

I miss him so much. I miss the way his lips touched on mines, I miss his gentle but unnecessary touches, I miss the way he looked at me while talked, a small dimple would appear and his green eyes would always shine. I miss those looks yeah. The ones – that even if I’d tell him I found it creepy I’d find them cute – when he’d just stop looking at me when I looked back at him so he could say hi to me, I even miss the ones I never had the opportunity to realise he was looking at me. I miss the way he traced the lines from my hands just to feel close to me, the way he always pulled me to the other side of the sidewalk, far from the street; I’d feel like a child but I knew, just by this simple and stupid gesture, that he’d be always there to protect me. I miss the time when he’d try his best to get my attention, throwing me a pillow, sending me a message, even screaming. I miss the way he’d make me shiver giving me kisses on my neck, the way he moaned my name, how he sounded when he was close. I miss the times I’d fall asleep with his presence, hearing his breathe and feeling the warmth of his body and the gentles touches on my bare skin. I miss the stupidest and most important things in our relationship and I wished I wouldn’t.

I’m forced to stand up from bed when I hear a knock at the door. Well I’m not forced, I would rather prefer not going to open it since the last time I did it I was punched in the face but at least I can stretch myself.

The person behind the door, even with me being slowly, doesn’t insists on knocking one more time, staying with the quite calm first knock. I open the door and open my eyes widely, feeling my heart aching, jumping and beating fast on my chest.

“I bought McDonald's!” Harry says raising the big paper bag he has in hands. How ironic?

He doesn’t smile and I can see that he’s unsure of his words and even with his appearance yet I open the door further to let him in, not saying a word, scared that if I do it I’ll wake myself up with my own voice because this seems to be a dream. He walks in and I shut the door behind us. He takes his seat at the chair in front of the desk while I bring the one next to my bed, next to him.

For the first time since these past weeks, I don’t feel the urge to think. My head is not torturing me, I’m not having unnecessary thoughts, I literally don’t think about anything. Harry is here. I don’t know what does this mean, but he’s here. To be honest, after what happened yesterday I wasn’t expecting anything. I was trying to to make myself believe that this was over and I needed to give up as well. I probably didn’t show much but since this thing between Harry and I started, I was doing my best to last, last more than it lasted. I was doing my best to keep this, to be with him, not to fight and not to let him go away. I was just afraid of a label maybe, but I wasn’t afraid of having him with me and it’s sad that it needed to happen a shit like this for me to realise that I want him this way with me whatever it costs, no matter what my fears are.

He hands me my hamburger and drink and we start eating in silence. It’s probably the first time I feel like our silence is awkward and uncomfortable. I wanted to listen to his soft, tender and kind voice, I wanted to hear his laugh and see his dimples, I wanted him to be able to look at me, instead he’s just focused in his food. Unlike me, I find hard taking my eyes off of him. I missed admiring his lashes touching his cheekbones while blinking, being this close to be possible to smell his perfume and counting his few curls.

He’s probably deep in his thoughts so I feel; that till last month I haven’t felt; the necessary to know what’s been on his mind. Since we got that close he always shared it, I always found easy to know what he was thinking and now I have no idea, it’s like he rebuilt the big wall that doesn’t allow me to do it. However he’d only know what was in my mind if he asked me, so it was normal to hear from him how are you? and how was your day? and even what are you thinking about? I normally would find it annoyed but now I see how good it made me feel and how much I need it.