say something | l.s.

- Chapter 33 // Louis' letter -

“Say something or I’m giving up on you!”

I feel so empty. Those words hit me as if I was being hit by a car. I thought he wasn’t going to give up. Everything, everyone pointed that out. He pointed that out. It hurt me, hurt me at the point I just wanted to die because the pain was so big… but I wasn’t feeling anything. I wasn’t myself. I hope he didn’t feel anything either because I have this impression that if he felt something then, fuck, it was probably terrible.

Why do I hurt people this way? Am I this heartless?

The words “Everything we spent was all a lie for you? You were just playing around with me?” were heard on my mind for the fourth time today and yeah… he was feeling everything. He was being himself, his eyes showed pain. He was hurt, he was so fucking hurt.

I hate this. It makes me laugh but, it’s a dry laugh, it’s a laugh to mock myself and remember how pathetic I am. It’s Thursday, 3am and I am awake. It’s been this constant. Thinking about all these things, the good and the bad ones. The goods make me feel better for seconds but the bad ones seem to be wining. I’m starting to get used to it but I am tired. In all ways really. I need to sleep but I’m not comfortable enough to bee sleepy, I don’t feel secure to close my eyes, I’m cold… I need those arms and kisses and touches… I need to feel home in this stupid, empty and lonely dorm that I’m starting to hate more and more. But hey, the bed – and even the room – seems bigger now that he is not here. I can’t even say, think, his name now.

When he left the room, without letting me finish what I was saying – and to be honest he did it well… for his sake, he didn’t deserve to hear that – I was… I was relief. Because he was gone, he didn’t need to care about me anymore, he didn’t have to suffer, I didn’t have to think how I didn’t deserve him and worried about how was I going to show my feelings toward him, how was I going to accept his. He seemed to finally see how things are and always were.

But only on the next day it hit me. I woke up. I grabbed the necklace he had thrown at the floor – it was still there, I didn’t dare to even look at it - and… I cried. I cried for him. Not for me. I didn’t care about me, I cared about him. I cried so hard. My eyes hurt, they truly ached from the tears and they were so red… it gave me a day to realise it. I even skipped classes. I mean… this two weeks I only went to four classes… am I overreacting yet? I always overreact, this wasn’t going to be an exception.

I was hoping that he was coming back. But he didn’t. I started to believe it because he didn’t come back to the dorm. He still doesn’t come back. I didn’t see him anymore. I’m starting to forget about the colour of his eyes and soon he is going to forget about mines too.

I hope he is okay. I know he isn’t. But I still hope he is.

I’m only saying this to make myself feel better, so I’m being selfish again. I should do something, I should move my ass and go solve things between us. But I just didn’t do it yet because I’m trying not to be selfish. I don’t know if he wants to see me. Maybe he should have hit me as he hit Bryan. I think the look on his eyes, the dark and soulless that they showed, would hurt me more than his punches. But I don’t think he would be capable to hurt me like that. He sure didn’t look himself. I ask myself if his hand was okay after that because I saw blood streaming down his knuckles.

I’m not going to see Bryan again. I didn’t even speak with him anymore – I haven’t speak with anyone really, Liam and Zayn are worried but I don’t answer their calls nor open the door when they knock out and I ignored them the few times I got out from the dorm – I shouldn’t have spoken with him in the first place anyway. He was right, Bryan doesn’t change. I heard him talking shit with some blokes, about how a bad Har-he is and likes to show that is a good person but in fact he is not. After all he hit him, Bryan had the proofs in his face. What Bryan did to him should have been enough for me to stay away from him. But even that I had to break our promise. I feel really stupid.

But if that episode didn’t happen because of Bryan, I’d find a way to say the same hurtful things to him anyway. Because yeah, maybe I am heartless.

But then, if I am heartless how do I feel this way? Because I miss him. I miss everything on him and everything we did. I miss being that close to him and feeling protected and loved… I just miss feeling something like that.

It’s now half past three and I feel tears on my eyes.

I should keep doing theatre because I sure know how to be dramatic. But I feel sad so I can’t just stop this tears.

I should finish this now because I’m getting out of words to express how I feel. I just started writing this crap of paper because, even being feeling empty, I had my head full of thoughts and they were already eroding me on the inside. I needed to let them out. Half of them left me already but the other half are still here, ready to torture me tomorrow night at 3am again.

The night I slept better was the one I slept in his bed, dressed with one of his big sweaters. However, I had worn it already, so it smelled like me and his pillow… his pillow, by this time, doesn’t smell like him. But I’m starting to forget how he smells too so I think I can’t do anything else.

I can’t do anything… I can’t. I’m sorry Harry, I am really sorry… but I loved you and I think I will never stop loving you. I just hope you are okay. I am not, but I hope you are because I care so much, but so fucking much about you.