Leaves -Joshler✔️

(22) Feel Better

A/N Dedicating this chapter to @TwentyOneBeebo_s because you're a queen and you've read this fic since day one :))) Sorry that this chapter isn't all happy and cheery for ya :/

Also I started a new fic and I'll most likely publish the first chapter once I finish this fic- speaking of finishing this fic, we only have maybe 3-5 chapters left :(( but it'll be good to get a solid completed fic down on my page so sit tight and then make sure to check out the new Joshler Fic when it comes out!

warning; mentions of death and self harm

[unedited]

//TYLER//

I tell Josh to get out of my room. I cant have him here right? If it wasn't for him I would not be alive. He saved me from killing myself, but thats not necessarily a good thing at all.

He was able to finally push me over the edge. I was standing atop the line that was drawn, and he pushed me right over it. Being pushed over that line caused me to make my lines deeper. But they weren't deep enough. But you know what they say, try and try again.

He looks so hurt when I tell him to go, his sad look activating more thoughts. I can't live here without him. If I do have to stay on this planet, then there has to be a way for me to cope. Josh is my way, or at least he was. He was what helped me decide that I can wake up tomorrow and continue living. I lived for Josh. But then he had to go and fuck everything up.

He kept me grounded, which is quite ironic because once he cheated, the ground is the only place I wanted to be. I still want to be there, but he got in my damn way again.

As he turns around to exit the room, I call for him. He turns his head, and I can see a small sliver of hope in his expression. He hopes I'll forgive him and we can move on, but I'm a very sensitive person if you couldn't tell, and this will never be erased.

"Yea Ty?" He says in response to my call for him.

"Explain."

"What do I need to expla- oh yea."

"Well, go on then. There must've been some sort of reason as to why you cheated on me and forced me into such a steep downwards spiral"

"Well I actually don't have much of an explanation-" He says, looking down at his feet avoiding my judgmental and hurt gaze. "One thing I do know is that the amount of regret I have about what happened is unimaginable. I know that being drunk at the time isn't much of an excuse but I don't drink very often due to what happens. I'm not very good with alcohol and my body doesn't handle it well, I shouldn't have had as many drinks as I did because it really did put me in a state where I had close to no control over what I was doing. I've been thinking about what I would say for a while, my explanation for why I did what I did. I came to the conclusion that all I can say is I love you Tyler, I love you so fucking much. I know what I did completely jeopardized our relationship, but I know that even if you reject my apology, I will never stop loving you Tyler. You've made such an impression on my life that the space you filled can never be replaced. You're the love of my life Tyler, and I'm so sincerely sorry for-for do-doing th-th-this" At this point he was in full sobs, tears just completely pouring out of his face and onto the floor.

He now takes his eyes off of the ground, looking straight at me. I can't help but feel bad for almost leaving Josh here alone. He does care about me, and maybe the alcohol did have a big role in his actions. I will never know what was going on in Josh's head at that time and place, but I do know that I need Josh. I cant tell him to go away and to leave me because I need him. I need him so badly. He hurt me so bad, but I really need him.

"I'm sorry" I choke out, my throat feeling tighter than before. My eyes on the verge of tears.

"What do you have to be sorry for Ty? This is all my fault"

"I'm sorry for almost leaving"

"Oh ty" He says, and walks back over to my bed, he takes my hand in his, avoiding all of my cuts. He sits down in the chair next to my bed and looks deep into my eyes.

//JOSH//

"I'm sorry for almost leaving" he says, really ty? you're sorry?

"Oh ty" Is all I can say, so I walk over to him and hold his hand. What would I have done if I lost Tyler? I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that he died and I caused it. What would I do? He's the love of my life and I have no idea how I'd be able to continue on living without him. I probably just wouldn't.

We sat like that, just staring into each other's eyes for a long time. Not saying a word, but somehow completely understanding what the other was thinking. The silence of Tyler's room is calming, a break from the outside world.

"Josh" he says, and changes his gaze, then gripping my hand tighter. "I still need you"

"I need you too Ty, I always will."

A/N so they're back on good terms again :))) I'll make the next few chapters a lot happier and I promise and there will be lots of fluff --- not smut though (sorry ya smut sluts) because I'm not a fan??