Falling Is The Scariest Part (Laurmani)

Chapter Fifteen

I stay seated on the couch of the kickback, ignoring the blunts being passed around me. Kehlani offers me a smile and a bottle but I wave her off with a small smile. She shrugs her shoulders and I can tell she wants to sit by me like we usually do when we hang out but she had guests to attend to seeing as this is her kickback. I stare at the TV as they play the game, not really paying attention. I'm more focused on my mother's illness that has surfaced. No, it's not the cancer but it was close enough to it where it gave us a scare. Benign tumors pressing down on her fallopian tubes making the pain from her periods intolerable. Money becoming a factor again as she needs to receive surgery or the pain will only worsen after each month. The crazy part is that she was so strong, through the breast cancer and then through the pain each month. Continued to do what she had to, in order for our family to thrive. Yes, my dad helped us to survive, but my mother pushed each one of us to excel in school. I know that's crazy to say with everything she's done to me but I try to convince myself that she did it out of love and not disdain as I repeat it to myself daily. Without her, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. Which makes it all the more difficult, trying to explain why I don't think the same way. Can't push past the small things because they all lead up to the big things. The summer was filled with more than a few lectures on why I was letting distractions affect me so deeply. I try to argue my point each time, or more want to argue but each time I try, the words get caught in my throat. I can't find the perfect words to describe my feelings and I know each time I'd speak the wrong words, they'd be thrown back into my face immediately without pause. I get passed a bottle and this time I accept it with a long chug. I wince at the taste but wipe my mouth and pass it along. I close my eyes for a second urging my mind to go anywhere else but the depressing spiral it seems intent on going down. My mind instantly wonders to dance as the song I hear is familiar, reminding me of one of my last routines. Great. The same dance I quit immediately after my senior year of high school. The same dance that I used to be excited to wake up and practice every minute I could. The same dance that I loved. The same dance that broke me. I could've been so much bigger if I hadn't given up and that fact disappoints me to no end. I take a long drag this time when I come up in rotation and pass it along to the next guy while resting my forearms on my thighs and leaning forward. I close my eyes, passing my fingers through my hair and letting out a sigh. I feel the couch shift slightly and I assume the boy next to me decided to get up. I open my eyes again, pointing them on the TV screen as they play 2k. The score is close as the boys in the chairs next to me lean forward as well eating the chips Kehlani left out. I feel the couch shift again and I assume the boy has reclaimed the seat he left occupied over the past minutes. 

That is, until I feel a hand on my arm. I jerk a bit and look to my right where I find Lauren instead of the creepy boy I thought it was. She tugs me back a bit, allowing my back to rest on the couch. I lean my head on her shoulder as she sits back as well. She brings her hand to my own that rests in my lap and laces her fingers through my own. I come a bit closer, resting my head between her shoulder and chin and close my eyes again as she begins to run her fingers through my hair. If anyone else did this, I would complain immediately or slap them without hesitation. But then again Lauren isn't anyone else and Lauren only ever does this to make me feel better so I'm sure I'm not hiding my unwillingness to be here. The soothing motion is also used when I couldn't go to sleep, which I'm in danger of doing right now in the middle of this kickback. I half open my eyes and lazily lay my own hand on top of the one that is rubbing my scalp, looking up at her. She just stares at me for a few moments until I squint my eyes at her and she zones back in. She must've realized she was about to send me into sleep so instead she wraps her arm around my shoulder. I look back at the TV until I feel a finger racing across the skin on my arm and I jump until I realize that she isn't trying to tickle me. Her finger continues to rub circles on my arm so I relax a bit. I rest my eyes for a few minutes before I realize I'm not exiting the sad place in my head.