The Tale of the Ascendants

CHAPTER 16: Pawn in her own game

I tried thinking about the beautiful things that ever happened to me and failed in the middle of the process. Why was it so hard for me to recall such things? Had I not been acquainted with happiness? Sometimes, I asked myself if everything that I had discovered was all worth the sacrifices.

Maraming tao na ang nadadamay simula nang malaman ko ang nakaraan. Ang mga taong malalapit sa akin ang tila nakakaranas ng lupit ng tadhana. Isa na roon si Pierre—isa sa mga dapat pang mabuhay nang matagal. He didn't deserve this short, fucked-up life.

Until now, hindi ko pa rin lubusang matanggap ang kanyang pagkawala. Ang mga tao sa paligid ko ay wala ng ginawa kung hindi ipaunawa sa aking wala na siya at kailangan kong tanggapin 'yon para makausad. Umaasa silang matatanggap ko rin kalaunan ang sinapit ni Pierre. Acceptance could ease the pain, but little did they know, this was the kind of pain that even time couldn't mend.

After his death, I didn't do anything aside from blaming myself for what had happened. If I didn't leave his side, buhay pa sana siya hanggang ngayon. I felt guilty. So damn guilty. Wala man lamang ako nagawa para protektahan siya.

As per family's tradition, his body was cremated that night. Kinabukasan pa ng hapon nagsimula ang lamay para sa kanya. During his wake, I just sat there without uttering anything—nakatingin sa napakalaking picture frame na napapalibutan ng mga sari-saring bulaklak.

Napagod na rin sa pagluha ang aking mga mata. Halos tulala lang ako. Hindi pa rin makapaniwalang wala na siya. Kung kailan ko matatanggap na wala na siya ay hindi ko alam.

Seven days.

I stayed there for seven sorrowful days without talking to anybody. It seemed like I shut myself off from the rest of the world. Terrence often asked me to rest, but I just shoved him away, not wanting to communicate with anyone at that moment. Others tried to convince me but failed in the end until they figured out that they couldn't make me leave.

Kahit si Daddy ay ibinigay ang espasyong kailangan ko. Naiintindihan niya marahil kung gaano kahirap para sa akin ang mawala si Pierre. He just looked after me from afar, which I really appreciated. Right now, I wanted to be alone and contemplate on things.

Pagkatapos ng funeral, nagpasya ang mga magulang ni Pierre na sa US muna manatili para doon ipagpatuloy ang pagluluksa. Alam kong mas mahirap para sa kanila ang mga pangyayari dahil halos dalawang anak nila ang nawala.

After shutting myself off from the rest of the world, I decided to come back to reality and mourn at the same time. Hindi dapat dito magtapos ang laban. If Pierre were here, he could've kicked my ass and told me to man up pero wala pa akong lakas para magsimula.

For security and health purposes, my Dad suggested to give me a break, which I didn't dare to contradict. He sent me back to Gramps, where I could spend time for mourning and recovery.

During my stay there, Gramps tried his best to reach out, but I remained dead-like zombie—always spacing out. I knew how hard it was for them to see me like this, and I didn't blame them for feeling that way.

Sinubukan ko namang magsimula muli, but it felt awfully wrong after what had happened. Hindi ko magawang bumalik sa dati kahit anong pagpupumilit ko. Everything seemed to be totally different and unusual. It was as if I was back to square one. I felt alienated with my own life story.

When would I feel that my life belonged to me?

When would I feel attached with this life?

Ilang araw rin akong nagkulong sa silid bago nagkalakas ng loob para lumabas. Upon deep thinking and reflecting, I had come up with a firm decision—I wouldn't let Pierre's death go to nothing. I needed to do something.