letters | ksj ✓

08

Dear Namjoon is as far as Jin gets into the final letter before his vision blurs.

He curses at himself for being so weak. He could have gone simply, easily, the day he'd realized it was really too much, but he hadn't.

He's been telling himself to wait – to hold out a bit longer so that he can finish his last words to his boys – but now he doesn't know if that's really the reason he's still here. He alternates between wanting to leave and wanting to stay so often that it hurts.

He still doesn't have a concrete plan. He wants to go quickly and quietly; he doesn't want for the boys to learn of his death by hearing it over the news, but he doesn't want them to find him dead and cold and grey either. He doesn't know which would hurt them less.

But he certainly isn't going to jump; he can't do that to Jungkook.

He hopes they'll forgive him for what he's going to do, but he knows he won't blame them if they don't. He can't. He deserves to have them hate him.

But for right now, he needs to write, because even though he deserves to be hated, he doesn't want to be.

He looks at the Dear Namjoon he's written and wonders how he should begin. Even though Namjoon seems to have already given up on him, it'll hurt him all the same. Jin doesn't know how to relieve pain; maybe if he did, he wouldn't be where he is now.

Jin has always known that he can't physically hurt himself under the watchful eye of the media, so he's never tried to. He knows he can't show his emotions or express his opinions. In show business, opinions don't matter; what matters is the quality of the music put out and the amount of money it makes.

But Namjoon has always taken his opinions into account. Namjoon has always let him have a say in group meetings. Namjoon has always cared about him, and Jin wants to let him know how much he appreciates him for it.

Thank you, he writes, for treating me like I matter. I don't think you know how much it means to me, but I think you can imagine.

I'm sorry for leaving like this, but it's for the best and I hope you see it that way too. I'm sure you'll be able to find a replacement for me. If not, BTS would be incredible as a six-membered group too. You're all so talented, so please don't stop doing what you do.

He hasn't explained what the extent of his issues are in any of the other letters, but he thinks Namjoon deserves to know. He's the leader, after all, and Jin wants – needs – him to understand.

Jin grips the pen a little tighter.

I know you're going to want to understand everything, so I'm going to try to explain it as clearly as I can. You can tell the boys when you think they're ready, but you don't have to, and you don't necessarily have to keep it a secret either. All I've told them is that I'm tired, which isn't a lie but also isn't what I'm going to tell you.

Here goes nothing, Jin thinks.

You know how people call us the dancing black holes, Joonie? It bothers you, doesn't it? Yeah, me too.

But unlike you, I don't have something to make up for it. I can't rap the way you do and I can't sing as well as Taehyung and Jimin and Jungkook. I know that it shouldn't really matter because I'm really just labeled as the visual but that's all a joke, too. People want Tae and Kookie's faces on magazines and thumbnails, not mine. I'm not cute like the maknaes and I'm not cool like the rest of you. I'm just here, Joon.

Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying I've been wanting more attention and I'm not saying you all get too much of it, because I think every single one of you deserves it. You're all incredible and I am so grateful to have been able to work with you.

Jin doesn't know how to put his feelings into words. "Tired" is the only way he's been able to say it, but he knows Namjoon won't accept that. The others will – at least, he hopes they do – but not the leader.

No, Namjoon has an IQ of 148 and too much determination and curiosity for his own good. He'll never forgive Jin if all he gets for an explanation is a lame "I got tired." Jin has to keep trying.

I don't belong here, Namjoon. The six of you were born to be stars and I'm not even in the same league. Not even close.

There. That's an explanation, right?

Barely.

It'll have to do. Jin still has his requests to make.

Try not to stay out too late with Yoongi when I'm not here, okay? I know how dedicated you both are to your music but if you put your work before your health I will NOT hesitate to crawl out of my grave and strangle you both.

That sounds graphic enough to be a legitimate threat. Maybe this time, Namjoon will listen to him.

He kind of wishes he could be there to see it, though.

Kim Namjoon, you've been doing a spectacular job as our leader, and for that I respect you. Please take care of your dongsaengs for me; heaven knows the maknaes need you. Listen to Yoongi and Hobi and don't let them overwork themselves, because even though I've told them not to I know they won't listen to me. God, Joonie, I don't know what else to tell you.

And he doesn't. He's all out of words – out of reminders, out of praise – and he's just been trying to avoid the inevitable, but he has nothing left to say.

Tell my parents I'm sorry and that I love them. Send PD-nim my apologies for this whole mess. Explain what you can to anyone who asks, because I trust you won't sugarcoat my words like everyone else will try to.

I love you, Namjoon. Take care.

Jin feels his throat constrict.

Love, Jin.