Inside The Mind Of A Troubled Teenage Girl

Thursday 6th June 2017

I Don't Know What's Going On Anymore...

I don't know where to begin. Weird how this is the only time I have ever not known how to start. But I honestly, don't.

Over the past month I realised that life only gets worse and worse as the days go by. 

I'm honestly so tired. Exhausted. Both mentally and physically. I just... I want it to end. To all disappear.

He's a liar. A cunt. A dick. Anything bad you can think of. And yet I still fucking love him? Why can't he stay out of my mind? Why am I still constantly thinking about him? Why can't I erase you like you erased me?

Yep. You read that right. He erased me. You know they hate you when they unfriend you on FaceBook, Unfollow you on Instagram and block your number, Oh, and probably deleted the pictures. Snapchat? I was a retard and blocked him the night before. Why has this all happened? Hahahaha, oh where to start!

So after going on a school trip for three days, I met up with Graham after school on the first day back from the trip. He told me about a picture of Harry and a Year 8 kissing. I tried so hard to keep the tears back, I managed though. I guessed it was either a girl called Megan or his ex Emily (Ironic isn't it? My alias on here was Emily...). Megan has a boyfriend though (I messaged my stepbrother about both asking if either had boyfriends) yet I still thought it was her. Oh how I was wrong...

Last Tuesday was a month since Harry broke up with me. But, he already moved on... Just shows how much he loved me right? I was dumped for a fucking Year 8! A FUCKING THIRTEEN YEAR OLD THAT HE WENT OUT WITH BEFORE ME AND FUCKING LIED ABOUT IT! A FUCKING YEAR 8 IN THE SAME SCHOOL, YEAR AND CLASSES AS MY STEPBROTHER! Do you know how much that hurts Harrison? No, you don't. To know that you were dumped by the person you were so in love with for his ex. The way I found out made it worse. I didn't even set one foot into the sea terminal on Sunday before Graham was pushing me out saying "Harry is here. Harry and Emily are here" repeatedly.

Harry won't even go near me anymore. If I walk up to the group he will walk away, usually alone. SAying that, I hate being near him, I hate the sound of his voice, I just hate everything about him in general now. Everything I loved about him was a lie or I hate it now. From his dark ginger hair to his bright blue eyes that I was always so obsessed with, to his deep voice and his high pitched laugh, the way he walked and the freckles on his face and the ones on his arms and neck. Everything I loved I know hate or don't see. I loved the looks in his eye he gave me at different times, his dominance and his kindness. I loved his love. If it was actually there...

But, to remember the good things like how amazing his family was or the memories of us together, the bad things come back. They come back and take over the good. They come back and make me start to cry again. They come back and I want it all to end, over and over again.

Graham and Laine say that I'm strong after what has happened in a month and eight days. It's been 28 days of agony from when Harry broke up with me. It has been longer though. But there was one or two good days in between the last week we were together.

A/N To be honest I forgot about this draft... but I've decided to publish even though it was a few months ago and lots have happened since I last wrote this.

-DOATG

-Eden