Inside The Mind Of A Troubled Teenage Girl

Friday 24th March 2

What do I do?

Have you ever had a lump in the back of your throat where all you want to do is scream your lungs out until yo have no breath anymore? To scream until you can no longer feel the pain that is tearing you apart? To have your heart and mind constantly fight day and night until you finely get to sleep? To not know what you want or how you really feel because your whole life feels like a lie and you don't know what you want or how you truly feel? To not know who your actual friends are because you feel like not one actually cares about you? To ask yourself every day "What if I died right now? Would they really miss me?"

This is me day in and day out. This me right now as I write this.

My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me nothing. I can't tell if I actually love Harvey or if I just do because we're going out. Yes I miss him all the time but I miss him because we barely talk, see each other or know each other. On Monday it will have been three months since he asked me out. Everyday since that day I have asked myself "What do I actually know about him?" and if I even do at all.

This is what I know:

1. He has dyslexia and dyspraxia (I didn't know until over a month later ish but everyone else did)

2. His favorite colour is purple

3. He likes war films and The Fast and Furious series

4. He has two older brothers: Toby 17/18 and Ron 20/21

5. He has a cat called Sara, his brother Toby has a cat and the family have a dog called Danger

6. I know his parents names (he didn't tell me and I found out on Tuesday)

7. I know his birthday

8. His last name

9. A handful of his friends

10. Where he lives

11. What Primary he went to

12. He has depression, always stressed and is suicidal

13. He is really self conscious

14. He drinks, does drugs (ik he did but idk now) and smokes (which I hate)

 15. He does First Aid Cadets and Air Cadets.

16. He loves a good laugh, cuddles,  lazy and always late for everything and anything

17. He likes Ed Sheerans new songs (Supermarket flowers is his favorite)

18. He always wears Lynx

19. Something I can't say

But is that enough to be in a relationship? 19 things I can think of off the top of my head. It was his birthday a few days ago (i'm months older than him) and me and Annie went shopping so I could get a card and present the day before. I got a card. That was it. A card that was My Little Pony (inside joke between 4 of us) and a note inside. Because I didn't know what to get him. I didn't know what he liked and didn't. When we left the last store  I tried so hard not to cry because once again I realised how little I know about him. I'm constantly realizing that compared to pretty much everyone else I know jack shit about him. 

It's not just him I'm at war with thinking about how I feel about him. It's Annie, Fletcher and Maddie too. With Maddie and Annie I just don't know and with Fletcher I know I love him as a friend but at the same time (like right now) I hate him for what he has done. I hate Maddie for what she has done to me these past however many years. 

I'm constantly at war with every feeling and I just don't know. I can't tell the difference between love and like or hate and not like. To me they're one thing together. I can hardly tell the difference or make up my mind most of the time. It's not just with people but with hobbies, food ect and I guess that's why I never got into anything like everyone else, or make decisions on wether something is good or bad no matter what it is.

My mind is fucked up and no one can help me. No one can help me tell the difference. No one can help me figure it all out. No one can help me decide what to do...

-ADOATG Emily x