Owned by Puddin'

Poison oak- I mean ivy

"Well well well if isn't ol' Poison oaky", I say placing my hands on my hips, no long worried about the dozens of sensors I just set off. I mean the alarm was already going off because of this ammeture​ clutz, there isn't any point; the fuzz will be here any minute.
She jumps at the surprise of my voice and drops the priceless pearl necklace in her hands. She reflexes to try and catch the million dollar artifact, to no avail. Pearls go flying everywhere! How is she even a criminal with that low of tolerance for surprise?
She balances her stolen plant from the floor above us while recovering she spits "it's Poison Ivy."
"Whateva clutz. The coppers are on their way and it's cuzza you," I exclaim in sorta scolding matter. I shake my head and get a glimpse of my precious gem.
Before she has time to reply, I spring towards the rock. It's blinding even in the dim setting of the closed muesum.
I didn't have time to think of a different plan or neater way of opening the glass. Since it's a diamond, in theory it's unbrakeable, so I knocked the entire mini column over. Shattered glass lay everywhere, but there it was. My diamond in the ruff, literally!
Picking it up swiftly, in the backround I hear, "so you say I'm the clutz."
Does she know who I am? Well probably not considering I've only been a criminal for around 2 days. If I wanted to I could turn around and snap her neck with my bare hands. There's no time for that so I decide to just run off to the nearest exit.
I'm disappointed to discover that the elevators locked from the fucking set off alarms. Ugh stairs it is.
Oaky-Ivy on my heels, we rush towards the stairs at top speed. Should I head up and hope the roof is open? I can't take that risk. If anything I could smash the glass entrance.
Reaching the bottom at record time, we're faces with worse case senario. Red and blue lights can be seen from around the corner. I stop in my tracks and put my arm out onto Poison Whatever's taller chest. She hits it, almost knocking herself over. Winded she looks confused but realizes once she looks up at the lights.
I probably shouldn't  have stopped her and let her get shot up by the cops. That wouldve created a diversion so I could escape. Dammit Harleen!
Before I could curse myself any longer we heard slowed, steady footsteps. Fuck! Oaky and I looked up at each other with mirrored fear in out eyes. She didn't want to get caught again and I just couldn't stand the thought of my baby's being on the streets.
Wait, that's it! They were only a couple buildings down. Looking around the corner very slowly I see there is only one cop car! They probably think that it was only a malfunction since it happens quite a bit.
(This is going to be different from the cartoon version of them meeting since I want to be more original)
"Follow my lead, whateva you do, don't brake character. Got it clutz," I whispered. Might as well get us both outta here since it was to lake to just push her out in front of the cop.
She nodded her head with a crinkled forehead. Bet she doesn't have any ideas, since mines fucking crazy. Then again I guess we both are.
Concealing my nerves, I drop my diamond on the floor silently. Shaking her head, Ivy clutches to her plant with fear in her posture. Narrowing my eyes at her she let's go, placing it gently on the ground. This softy is probably already morning it's loss and saying mental goodbyes. Whata marshmallow!
Laughing at my own joke, it echo's through the room followed by the cocking of the officers gun. Ivys eyes went as big as... well as big as my diamond. She's a wimp to!
"Come out now, with your arms up or I will be forced to use my weaponry!" You could hear the shakiness of the officers voice. He sounded like a kid! They must've sent the youngest thinking it would be just a sensory malfunction ! Haha boy were they wrong.
I put my hands up over my head, eyeing oaky to do the same. She shook her head "you must be a mad man," she whispered with such an edge to her voice.
"Fine get outta here yourself", I say marching off into the open room.
The officer runs over to me, jamming my arms down behind my back. After he was done cuffing me, he started walking me to his car while telling me about my rights yada yada yada. Even though he was walking me to his car at the pace of a snail, the rush this gave me was like we were moving at light-years. Looking behind me I noticed two things.
One, ivy peeking over the corner edge with obvious confusion as to why I would give up so easily. I winked at her letting her know it was all part of the plan. Obviously she had to be stupid because she just looked more perplexed.
Two, and damn oh damn was this officer cute! I wouldn't mind getting a pat down from him. I was about to set my plan into motion when I decided I wanted to mess with this officer just a little bit.
He ran his hands up and down my arms, then up my neck, but when he ran it down my chest I arched my back. My boobs pushed in his palms and my butt pushed onto his crotch. I may of just conducted a heist but I still look pretty damn good myself.
I think he gave into it since he pushed me face down onto the hood of his cop car. Shaking and rocking my hips back and forth on his lap. Feeling his bulge on my bum, it didn't compare to mistah js at all. First I got sad at the thought but then I got angry. Really angry.
Whitsling as high pitched as possible, I boody bumped his crotch then turned over and kicked him in the dick as hard as I could. "Babbbiiieeeessss! Dinner time," i yelled at the top of my lungs. As he fell to his knees I caught a glimpse of my babies running full speed around the corner . They were like a flash of light, their paws barley touching the ground as they flew towards us.
Before he reached for his gun, I kicked him pushing off the car for better impact of heel to nose contact. Bud and Lou reached us a few seconds later, tackling the officer. "Hey! Waittttt, waiiittt," I cooed at my babies. They sat with intensity in their black eyes. Kicking the keys off the unconsious officer's belt, I nodded at them to attack.
Turning away, I looked up to see Poison ivy still standing there, In the middle of the open room with her one hand on her curvy hip and the other holding her plant. Bet she wanted to see if I would get my ass hauled to the Looney bin.
She saw my struggle to reach for the hand cuffs, since my hands were still bound behind my back. She rushed over to me.
Uncuffing me she shook her head with a smile plastered on her face she asked "that was incredible but who are you?"
I had to think of that one for a second but finally I stuck out my hand for a shake and replied, "I'm Harley Quinn, nice to meetcha!"
I am Harley Quinn now, ill forever be Harley Quinn, no matter what anyone says, even lousy ol joker! .... My lousy ol joker.