Surviving Sorrow

Chapter 1

She released her hold on me and stared. Her eyes were red and teary, but her confusion was obvious. So many questions passed on those eyes, waiting for answers. How? When? Why? So many questions, and she searched me for an answer.

I had to look away from her because of those. I don’t know what to say to her, what answer I would give. Frankly, I don’t even know why I told her. Maybe it was because out of all the people, she seemed to be the one who can understand my pain. Maybe I wanted someone to know that I’m in pain. Maybe I just wanted to be lifted of the guilt of keeping it a secret from her.

But mostly it was because she was the only one who I can trust and confide on. She can be someone who I can share her with.

She looked away from me after a minute, and for a moment, I thought she’ll talk again, or say something, or ask or get angry. But then she packed her things, stood up and walked away from me in hurried steps.

Immediately, I stood up and called after her. “Andrea!”

“Don’t talk to me!” she shouted without even looking back at me.

I ran after her to try and explain to her, to try and console her on what I said, but when her relentless walk turned into a sprint, I knew, she wouldn’t want to hear anything more from me. Not now, or maybe even ever.

A month had passed since then and we hadn’t spoken to each other. Aside from the occasional times in class when we were grouped together in a class activity, we barely uttered a word, or even tried to get near each other. Sometimes we accidentally pass-by each other and we say hello or nod but we never exchanged anything more. She stayed away from me, and I went out of her way.

In a way, it felt good. It hurt a lot less when I don’t remember Leah through Andrea.  At the very least, the distance between the two of us somehow prevented me from seeing Leah’s ghost.

But the pain never goes away. Not remembering doesn’t kill the pain. It only made it steady and not worsen. It’s still there, stinging me every moment, it’s just not bringing in new pain.

But the inescapable truth is that I can’t escape Leah’s death. Every day, I kept being reminded of it. And sometimes, small things still trigger new pain. A lot of times, I wake up at night sobbing with tears in my eyes because of the dreams I have about Leah. I freeze when I’m reminded of moments we had. And at times, I can’t stand being around the same people we were always with. Whenever I’m reminded of her, I descend again into a swirling vortex of sadness.

Some of my friends notice that at times my mind is drifting elsewhere. They make fun of by just teasing that I’m getting old. I just ride along with their jokes. It was better than why I’m actually absent. Explaining to them wouldn’t help me anyway. It would only make matters worse.

Some people just try and forget their loved ones. They say it was easier. They say that it would help them move forward and stops the pain you feel.

But trying to forget is harder. It’s not just the bad memories that I’ll be forgetting, I’ll also forget everything, even the good ones. I’m going to throw away the best portion of my life away when I try and forget and when I’m done, nothing will be left but a husk of who I was. I’ll become empty, and Leah becomes nothing.

I would rather be hurt all the time than know that Leah just vanished. I would rather be in this state than live like she was nothing to me. Even if no one will know that I kept her memories alive, to me, it meant that she mattered, and I was the one who loved her. If the pain is what all I can have of her, I’ll take it. At the very least, she was with me.