Surviving Sorrow

Chapter 13

After a few days, we went back to our normal lives. At least, to as close as it is normal. For the last couple of months, I don’t even know what normal means anymore. So many things changed that there’s no clear definition anymore what normal is.

And one more thing changed again since the last time; Andy’s not avoiding me anymore.

My first thoughts were, ‘at last, we can act normally again. We don’t have to put up a perimeter against each other for the rest of the day.’ Though were not as close as before, at least she’s not repulsed by me anymore. She’ll be back to her normal self soon.

But then I can’t help but feel that this is her silent reply to my waiting. That this is all that we could be; friends. Acquaintances. Someone that had a crush on her. Someone her sister used to date.

It scared me. It hurts to think of it that way. I want to ask her to finally put my mind at ease, but I’m afraid to know it directly from her. I don’t think I can handle it. Lolo had been helpful on his advice, but it only made me think of his words; maybe, we’re just not meant to be together.

But it’s still too early to assume that. I like to think that she’s not that kind of person who wouldn’t tell. I’d like to think that she would if she decided, that she wouldn’t let me roam around hoping for nothing. That she would let me know, even if it would hurt.

Though I like to be near her, I sometimes find myself veering away from her. I have to at least steel myself on the idea that I have to interact with her without any expectation that all my waiting would be worth it in the end. At moments that I don’t need to, I just want to stay as far away from her. However I do so not to the point that I can’t see her. I can’t bear the thought that I’m going to lose her, even just in sight.

If there was anything that I’m thankful for her, it’s her friends, especially Elena. She doesn’t mind me asking how she is. She’s thankful to have her friend back and she suspects little to nothing on what Andy is to me, so she provides a lot of information about her. With all her help, I decided that when my waiting ends, she’ll be one of the first to know.

How it all ends I’m not sure, but I’m keeping myself prepared for the worse. It was after all my own doing.

--

A month passed and we continued like that; civil divorcees. We’re not really biting each other’s head off, but we’re not in each other’s arms either. We were just indifferent to each other. We’d talk, crack jokes and join each other’s lunch once, but that was about it. She wouldn’t let me take her home, and I had stopped trying when I asked her once and she went with another guy.

She isn’t entertaining guys anymore at least, and that was the last time I had seen her give a guy a chance, but I have yet to hear her tell them off otherwise. Or hear any of those guys gossip about being told off.

In between that time, a gap had started forming between us. Because of that, I grew cold. Not cold because I’m out of love, no. There is an abundance of that, that I couldn’t keep myself from hurting when I see her as normal as how she was when before Leah died. I grew cold in interacting with her to protect my own heart. I just can’t face her like a friend anymore. I know I want to be more for her, and ‘just friends’ is just too upsetting of an idea for me. I don’t know what to do if it ever came to that, so I have to at least try and cushion the blow before it comes. I should prepare myself this early so that I wouldn’t breaking down.

Because even if I hate the idea, I would live with that, just so that I can see her fine each day. And maybe try and be happy, if she finally found someone else to love.

--

I love Christmas, and the holiday season. It was that time of the year where you can just feel good without any reason. It was that time of the year where everything seems to be in order, and it was just right to be happy.