Surviving Sorrow

Chapter 12

“Should I have said ‘Yes’?”

It’s been a few months since I last visited her tomb. I’ve been busy spending my time from other things lately that I had by some miracle forgotten how much I miss being here. I see that as a good thing however, since I’ve been spending it more with the living rather than the dead.

But I haven’t forgotten her. I just needed some time off her tomb to get back to the world of the living.

I found myself in need of a visit because we’ll be leaving for our province soon. I won’t be able to visit her for the upcoming All Saints’ Day. Rather than visit her after, I’d prefer visiting her early. An ala Dia de los Muertos celebration of the day here lasts up until the next day, much like a Halloween party that never ends.

Maybe Andy’s family might decide to stay for a night or two since it’s their first. The mausoleum is big enough, and there are rooms that you can convert to a bedroom. There’s electricity and tap, so there wouldn’t be any problem with staying a bit. They did the first night. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to think that they won’t again, especially after many months of not visiting.

Come to think of it, they constructed this more as a house than a tomb. Maybe that’s what you do for the daughter you love so much; you build her castle, even after death.

If they do decide to stay that would mean that the day after I might encounter Andy. I can’t face her just yet. I simply don’t have the answers to many of her questions.

“What would have happened if you didn’t die? Would we have lasted? Would Andy fall for another?” I said out loud, expecting answers from Leah that even I know would never come.

“Would you let me have Andy?” I asked again, after I didn’t hear an answer.

I let out a long sigh. It turns out the dead still doesn’t hold the answer to the many questions that was left unanswered.

It was half an hour later of just staring and deep silence that I decided that it was time to leave.

--

Travelling to our province requires a long drive. Most of the time you have to stare at tracks of lands kilometers long, like it wouldn’t end. Usually, I’m asleep this deep in to our travel, but ever since I sat I couldn’t keep my eyes shut. I tried multiple times to catch sleep; I changed position, played every classical music I had even so far as reading Anna’s sappy little novel she likes to read but that didn’t even made me yawn.

So instead, I settled with staring at the great blue sky. Maybe it was the expanse of clean space with the landscape to match, but it somehow drained away all of my thoughts; pain, worries and all. It was like heaven took it away all of it.

By the time we arrived at our destination, I was already too blank to think. I never thought that feeling empty felt so good. But I knew that sooner or later I’ll have to think things through again. This temporary feeling of relief wasn’t going to last. I was just waiting for which thought comes first, like how a matador waits for the bull to charge.

--

Funny how someone’s death unites people. I know this for a fact because before my uncle died, we only gathered together every Christmas or New Year. Even by then I rarely see all of my relatives complete. Someone is bound to be somewhere. In most cases, they were would only be a sparse number of them and would have to leave the day after.

But when Uncle Frank died, everyone comes during his death anniversary and birthday, even those with their own children for a little family reunion.

That’s saying something because we have a big family. My father including, they’re ten all in all. Alive, nine, dead one. Cousins numbered twenty one, and, I believe I have about three niece and six nephews. Getting all of those to arrive is nothing short of a little miracle. Getting them to synchronize their vacation leaves just so that they can enjoy barbecue makes it even a taller order.