Surviving Sorrow

Chapter 3

The next day, when I came in for class, I noticed that she was smiling at me. I don’t know why. I like her seeing that way though. Somehow it felt good to see her in that light than see her crying. Leah and Andrea doesn’t share the same smile though. Hers was different. It has a certain shyness unlike her sister’s who seem to brighten the day. But I want it to stick nevertheless. It suits her well.

At lunch, I unconsciously gravitated towards her. It became my interest to be near her. With her, I felt like I was whole again. With her I felt that she somehow is filling up the void I have. With her I don’t feel broken.

“Hey Nick.” She called out to me when I approached near her table.

“Hey Andrea.” I said. “Can I sit with you?”

I don’t know if I should take it as a good sign that she was alone since it would mean that nobody would be able to hear us to talk if she were to ask about Leah. Alone with her however opens the door for her to ask.

“Sure,” she answered.

I sat across her and started eating my lunch. Even though I wanted to be near her, I don’t know how I would strike a conversation with her. She and I hadn’t had a decent time to hang out. As much as possible back then, I avoided being alone with her. Leah warned me that she was suspicious of who I am and she will definitely know how to force it out from me.

“It’s nice to see you again Nick.” Andrea said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah. You too.”

It was… I don’t know what to feel. Whenever I look at her she reminds me so much of her sister. And yet I also see her as Andrea. I honestly don’t know how I should treat her. Should I treat her as a ghost, or should I treat her like Leah’s sister. I’m only certain about one thing; I just want to be near her.

“Nick?”

“Yeah?” I tried to look up, but my eyes was fixated on my meal. I was hesitating if I should meet her gaze.

“No, just…” she trailed. I looked up briefly to know why she paused and she seemed to be struggling to find the right words to say. “Forget it. It’s nothing.” She dismissed. She just returned to her meal after that and kept silent for a while.

I have this nagging feeling that she was holding herself back. I was curious what it was she was about to say so I asked. “No, really, what is it?”

She looked up from her plate and just stared at me. I felt a little awkward. The way she looked at me felt like she was being extra careful on what to say. “Are you sure you won’t breakdown?” she asked.

“Why do you ask that?”

“Every time you talk about Leah you become emotional.”

“Ohh.” So that’s why she was holding back. “I’m fine now.” I answered her. That was an honest answer. Not by much, but compared to how I was a few months now, I was better. “So what is it?” I tried to make it sound like it was okay to talk about it. Hopefully, it sounded like it.

“How do you and Leah, hang out?” So Leah was right; she would ask. She was still careful about the question. And for a long time, she looked ready to receive any answer.  

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it Nick. I understand it’s hard.” She then said when I didn’t answer.

I feel guilty for making her feel that she needed to tread lightly. She has a right to know. “No, it’s okay.” I assured her. “What do you mean hang out?”

“Leah wasn’t the silent kind of person, and so I imagined that she would like someone who talked more.”

“Yes she does.”