Dangerously Sweet.

Prologue - Results of 1689

Results of 1689

          The old dusty cabin still stands deep in the woods only now the plants try to hide its hideousness by growing and crawling over it. The bright yellow caution tape sticks out like a sore thumb between all those beautiful green’s and brown. Every year on the anniversary beautiful new exotic flowers in a glass vase are placed over the mound and sitting beside it is a pink stuffed animal and a new expensive action figure.

            Nobody really knows where it comes from.

            Even with everything I have been through I do not think I have regrets. Sure there are things I wish I could change but I cannot and I have learned to accept that. I figure they want me to move on, right?

            I feel so at peace sometimes. Especially when I laugh, I think they come visit me sometimes. They will not let me know for sure though.

            It has been a while since I have reviewed my last 40 years on Gemella. I would have to say my favorite years were probably the years were the ones I spent on the Island. Back when blissful moments were fully taken in with childhood beauty and enjoyment attached. As we grow older we like to think it was for the best that we matured, but there are always things we wish we did not know and wish we could change. What I wish I could change the most is every day after my 9 birthday until I turned 18.

            That is when everything started to sprawl downward at a rapid pace. I closed my eyes the whole way down, but I never reached the ground only a temporary tile. When I opened my eyes I lost myself in a world I never knew I could have.

            Maybe I should start from the beginning.

            I will make it as short and simple as possible. Let us start with an explanation of some sorts.

            I can still remember when it started but I will not tell anyone. I would never tell how I went from sun loving harum-scarum to night crawler. I used to love the sunlight never could seem to stay away from it. I loved to get up just before the sun rose and watch the sky change colors. I loved the way everything smelt in the summer and the way the grass tickled my bare-feet, the way the bee's zoomed back and forth, the way bugs would have to take a huge detour as I lay on the grass, the way butterflies and lady bugs tickled my hand. I loved feeling the sun shine down on me.

            I loved everyone and everything, and they loved me. Everyone but me misses the happy child I once was. The one who smiled all the time to the point people would think I had a problem. They missed hearing the laugh at every little thing said, funny or not. They missed the old me before I changed.

            I blame them.

            My favorite color used to be pink and white. I always had on a skirt or a dress. Never wore pants even in the winter I just wore skirts and thick leggings with ugg's. I was the head cheerer leader. Everyone wanted to be me. People envied me. Guys wanted to date me. But it was not me. I always felt out of place, always said the weirdest things, acting without thinking. I was like an under-cover misfit who fit in perfectly.

            I blame her.

            I became someone entirely different. I hated pink; my favorite colors are black, gray, and red. I hated dresses. I own about 50 pairs sneakers vans. I stay in my room during the day except for school but if I had a choice I would switch my schedule around and attend night school. I close all the windows and curtains till the sun sets. As soon as the moon came up I would be out of bed and sneaking out of my house. I have always loved the sight of the moon, especially the full moon, but now more than ever is that love shown. During the night I blended into the darkness with my dark clothing.

            I blame the boys.

            Now more than ever I am an outcast and for once I am truly happy. I guess deep inside I have always been the girl I am now. You know kind of like the unconscious part of you nagging you in your dreams saying "Yes, it’s true. You love him now notice it already will you?!" I guess it is something like that. I have always had dreams like that but slightly different.

            I blamed everyone.

            I have had dreams where I am looking at myself stand at the top of a cliff and I will look down to see nothing but darkness and I could feel the cold wind blow from behind me. My hair would wave in front of my face and my knee length summer black dress would blow in front of me beckoning me to jump. I look up and see the full moon shining bright against a flat starless night. The air smelt like the winter snow and my feet itched against the still green grass.

            I found myself wishing for it to end, to make it all go away, to find real happiness. I would smile as I looked at the full moon and close my eyes. I lean my head back and opened my arms as if I was going to hug someone. It is done, I would think as I lean forward. The wind pushed harshly against me. It was like flying. It was like heaven. I was alone and happy, the way I liked it. I opened my eyes and saw the rocky landing. A sharp rock aimed for my heart and another for my head. It is coming. It will end fast then you can be happy forever. As I though the last words my mother's voice entered my head. "What do you think you are doing? Are you trying to ruin us? Do not be a coward!" She says angrily. She sighs and then in an angelic voice "Sweetie you know we love you. Everyone loves you despise your odd apparel and behavior. We know who you truly are and that this is just a phase." Then I would wake up.

            I have had dreams like this ever since I could remember, until I accepted who I really am and let it control me. I became, me; the new me--the real me? Either way that was me and the people around me could not accept it. My so-called-friends bailed on me after they found out I was serious about the change. My mother though it was a phase and ignored it, for a while. My father was furious, not because I changed but more so because he had always wanted to arrange a marriage for me but now that would not happen because no one likes who I am.

            I blame her.

            My boyfriend left me a month before the change for many reasons. I did not celebrate anniversaries; never bought him a gift for his birthday or anything else. Even though we were eleven my boyfriend flirted with every female in the whole school and all the girls loved him. He was a smooth talker and I was the only girl who did not fall for his flirtatious stunts. The only reason I went out with him was because, like I said, my father always wanted to arrange a marriage for me. Last but not least, the reason most guys left me, was because I never say I love you. They have asked me a million times why I never said it and I answer the truth "Because I do not love you" I would say and shrug.

            They are to blame.

            I could honestly say, at the time, the last time I ever told anyone I loved them was when I was 8. It had been 8 years since that time and I would never said I love you, gotten jealous, or cried. Since I was eleven I have not laughed. Ever since I let my dreams swallow me whole, I've been different.

            She blames me.

            Then one day I met them, the most wondrous people on Gemella. The only people who have ever been stubborn and stupid enough to give this zombie like girl unconditional love without wanting anything in return. They did not want the 'I love you's'. They did not want the 'I owe you's'. They did not want the 'I will be your servant to make up for everything you've done for me' line. They did not even want a hug. All they wanted was to fix me. To reattach my zombie body and bring it back to life, to make me smile and possibly laugh, to make my pain go away, to make me happy, to make me a normal teenage girl. They all wanted me to smile wholeheartedly.

            I blame and love them.