Fin's Claim

Break My Pride

Feeling fur under my fingers, looking down Fin's in his fighting form, standing tall beside me...watching these males....waiting for them to make a decision about life.

Touching his fur, it's soft underneath my fingertips. I can feel that he's leaning into me slightly, body pressed against my leg and hip.

The most aggressive male eyes Fin, they will die if they even make the slightest move of aggression, shoulders hunched forward in defeat...they choose life.

Hearing an inhalation of breath, I watch as the wolf takes in my scent, sniffing my palm, pressing his nose into my groin smelling in deeply. He whines out to me, licking my hand before walking away slowly.

"Are you okay Victoria" Becca's sweet voice brings me back from my thoughts of what just happened between Fin's wolf and me... at least the wolf doesn't hate me.

Closing my eyes blinking hard, "yes."

She knows my weakness, stepping so close to me her breath mingles with mine, gently her fingers hold mine. Looking into her eyes all I see is love for me, it's hard to take. I'm not worthy of that anymore, I should have never allowed this to happen between us but once again I was selfish only pretending that she was filling what my soul was longing for.

"I'm here Victoria, I know I can't be what Fin is to you, but I can pretend that I am." Tears escape her eyes, the look of heartbreak threatens to overwhelm her.

"Becca...I can't...not anymore," watching her clutch her stomach makes me feel disgust for myself once again.

"It's not fair to you, I can't be what you need me to be, and you're not Fin...I'm so sorry." I try to pull her into me but she steps away.

"All this time, everything was a lie wasn't it?" Tears keep escaping her eyes dripping down her cheeks onto her shirt wetting it with her sorrow.

"I was a lie, wasn't I?" Becca's voice cracking with the realization that what we had was never real for me.

Taking a deep breath "yes." Just like that with one little word I shatter her world, I break her heart as she comes undone with her grief.

"I'm sorry Bec." I try to pull her into me again.

"Don't touch me, you're sick you know that you're sick!" Her voice rising into the air.

"He will never be able to love you the way I do...he hates you Victoria everyone can see it...he will never be what you want him to be." She rubs her eyes with her sleeve as she takes a calming breath in shaking slightly.

"All this was a lie?" It's almost like she's talking to herself.

Renewed sobs rack her body, her world falling apart.

"I'm sorry." It's all I can offer her.

She stands there crying as I turn my back on her, walking away from her sobs fading the further I retreat from that misery.

Turning on the water for the shower I enter underneath the stream and let myself cry for all the death my hands have brought all the pain I've caused. I sob my grief out letting the noise of the shower mask my sounds. Gripping my stomach with the pain I feel, the devastation of my world is complete.

Putting my mouth against the wet washcloth, screaming and screaming until my legs can't hold me anymore. Sliding down the wall, letting my head hang, alone I come apart underneath the water.

My hatred for myself is ever evolving when I think I couldn't possibly sink lower, I fall again and again in a never-ending black pit of self-disgust.

Stepping out I wipe away the steam from the mirror, looking at myself, really looking....

I hate you, saying it inside my head before turning from my face walking out of the bathroom.

Fin's eyes meet mine, the bottle of beer he's holding tips into his mouth, those eyes sweep the length of me. I'm not sure if it's with lust or hatred he's thinking.

He takes another long pull from the bottle, still not making a sound.

"Fin I'm tired I just want to sleep, I don't want to fight anymore," disrobing slipping naked between the covers. Pulling the sheets underneath my chin I close my eyes dismissing him.

He doesn't leave, "please Fin not now, I just can't fight for one more second, I'm just so tired of fighting." Trying to stop my voice from cracking but I can't.

"Please just go." Instead, I feel his hand on my head, the knuckles of his fingers graze my cheek. I can't breathe with how he's making me feel. His touch is a hurricane that's overwhelming my thoughts.

I crave his touch with the depth of a raging addiction. He looks at my eyes... what can he see, my misery, my longing for something that I have always wanted....to be held, to be loved...the hatred I have for myself?

"I never meant for this to happen either Victoria. I came again to apologize once again for your brother."

"I need you to try and block me from your thoughts, Victoria, I don't want to be inside your mind." He's looking at his hand that was just on my face before his steps retreat further and further away from me, leaving me alone in the dark.