our fall in may||BWS (completed)

Chapter Twenty Four

Bradley

I mumbled to myself how terrible this idea was as I walked up the stone pathway to a bright red door.

I knocked and was greeted by Joy. Her smile as wide as usual. She had an apron on and her hands were being dried by a towel, so I thought I had interrupted her doing the dishes.

"Hello, Bradley."

"Hi...is May here?"

"At the moment she is out, but if you would like I will tell her you came by, hmm?" She suggested.

I nodded with pursed lips. "Okay. Thank you, Joy."

"You're welcome, Bradley. Have a nice day."

"You, too." I said before Joy lightly shut the door.

I began walking, kicking stones with the toe of my shoe. I didn't know where I was going until I heard the sounds of children giggling and screaming at each other.

The park where I met May for our therapy project. I bit my lip to keep the tears in. I moved to the bench where we sat and stared at the empty seat.

It looked insignificant without her sitting in it. I imagined her sitting there, my arm around her as she stared forward, laughing at something I said.

I smiled lightly, thinking about what it would be like if May and I were together. I would make breakfast for her every morning so she doesn't struggle and wake her up with it. I would help her eat the food while holding her close to me, so she felt safe. I would help her with her morning runs and maybe she can dance again. I would help her achieve that. Maybe we could have kids. I remember she said how much she loves them, hoping to one day have them. I would give her as many as she wanted in a perfect world and raise them to be incredible human beings, just like their mother.

But this isn't a perfect world.

I can't wake her up to breakfast in bed and hold her without having a panic attack. I can't help her down the street or hold her hand in guidance. I can't hug her when she cries. I most definitely can't have sex to give her the children she needs and wants. I wouldn't even be able to hold them if I was ever able to be intimate.

The small smile on my face faded as the sunny warm day did into the clouds of today, along with my dreams of being with May.

________________

You hear that? That's the sound of my crippling depression

-Rose