Broken

Chapter 1

Stiles POV

Drowning. That is the best way to describe how I have been feeling lately. I don't know when it started. Or maybe it was always there, but I simply didn't notice it until recently. I'm drowning in my own thoughts and feelings. It's overwhelming. I'm trying desperately to keep above the water, but the currents are too strong, pulling me back underwater again. It's terribly cold. The icy water seeps through my skin to my bones. That is nothing compared to the pain that I'm going through though. Pain. It's a funny word. Most people will think of pain as breaking a bone, getting shot, or perhaps even getting bitten by a werewolf. No one thinks about the internal pain, the emotional pain that keeps clawing away at you and attempts to tear you apart from the inside out. It's almost as if the pain wants to desperately get out, but it can't. It just stays there, getting worse and worse. I want to call out for help, but is there anyone willing to listen? Is there anyone that wants to listen to my pathetic little problems? I don't think so. I'm not worth the effort. I mean, come on. With all the supernatural shit that happens in the lives of my friends, why would they take the time to care about me? I don't even care about myself. I haven't for a while now. I know I'm depressed and I know that I'm not okay. I'd be stupid to think that I am okay. I just don't see the need to tell anyone. No one would care.

It comes and goes, this worthless and hopeless feeling. The first time I truly noticed it was after the nogitsune was defeated. It took me a long time to recover from that, but I did. The next time was after my fight with Scott about killing Donovan. It was even worse that time, though I'm not sure why. The pain and loneliness was so bad I even resorted to cutting myself. I only did that a couple times though. One day, I just suddenly freaked out at the old scars decorating the inside of my wrists as well as the fresh blood dribbling down my hand from the new cuts. I couldn't believe that I was doing this to myself. I had cleaned myself up and swore to myself to never cut again. It has gone well so far. I have not cut since that day. However, the dark thoughts and feelings returned once again, just a little bit after the defeat of the beast. That was two months ago. The pain and loneliness has not faded away this time.

It doesn't help that I have been getting bullied. Sure, I have been bullied all my life. It has always hurt. Not that I told anyone about the bullying though. Not even Scott. I always found ways to hide the bruises. I would only cry when no one else was looking. I wanted to remain strong in front of people. I never wanted to look weak. I still don't want to look weak. The bullying happens almost every day, usually after school. This means I'll return home late and I'll get into a lot of trouble. It sucks, but I'm dealing with it, I guess. Again, I can't tell my friends about the bullying because it really is such an insignificant problem in the scheme of things. I also can't tell my dad because he won't care. Lately, he has been way more interested in alcohol than his own son. I know that it's because Mom's birthday is this month, but it happens every year around this time. However, this time, it doesn't look like the drinking will end very soon.

I also hate myself for having romantic feelings for my best friend, Scott McCall. I fell head over heels for my best friend. Who even does that? Ugh. I hate it, but I can't help it. Scott is... Well, Scott, and I'm in love with him. He is one of the only people that has always been there for me ever since the day we met (besides our fight about Donovan, which was completely my fault and I still beat myself up over it). He always knows how to make me laugh, smile and just feel better in general. He's pretty handsome too, if I do say so myself. I feel jealous about Allison and Kira having been with Scott. I wish that I could have been in their shoes, even if their relationships with Scott didn't work out in the end. Not that I meant to fall in love with Scott, of course. I didn't even know I was gay for most of my life. I only realized that I was gay once I figured out my feelings for Scott. When did I realize these feelings for him? Probably not that long after the nogitsune, but I never acted upon it. I started dating Malia because I really did like her, but my feelings towards her were not as strong as the feelings that I have for Scott, so we inevitably broke up earlier this year. I also realized that I only loved her as a friend. Malia was upset after the break up, but she seems okay about it now. I hope. After that, I just pretended that I still had a crush on Lydia. She is very beautiful and smart. Whoever ends up being her boyfriend (or girlfriend, I don't judge) will be very lucky to have her.