say something | l.s.

- Chapter 23 -

This words echo on my mind. I promised I wouldn’t hurt him but I think I just did that.

“Okay…” he whispers and in a moment he’s surprised, kinda dizzy and in the other he’s looking down, not meeting my gaze. What is he thinking? I want to know what this meant to him because maybe it could help me to figure out what meant to me.

“Okay…” I repeat, whispering as well. He pulls back, so he’s not on top of me anymore, and sits next to me. The air seems to be hotter than it was and I just want to pull the sheet out, from over our heads because I’m almost without air. What have I done…? I’m frozen looking at the emptiness and rewinding that kiss over and over again in my mind

“Thank you!”

“Thank you?” I look at the side and he shrugs but he’s still looking down. What’s wrong with him now? If I knew things would end up like this I’d be shut up… dammit I regret it, I- fuck I want to kiss him again… “Harry…” I look for his hand and when I grab it he looks up at me. Is he about to cry? No please, no…

“I…” he starts but can’t continue. I never saw him like this. It was just a kiss and he acts like this? Jesus, it breaks my heart.

“Shh!” I start to move and make him laying down, still holding his hand so we can spoon. I don’t know what to say, I think I don’t even have anything to say. Words don’t come… at least not the right ones so I think what we need now is enjoying the silence.

I let the blanket reach just a little above our waists and I rest my forehead on his back; I can even hear his heartbeat now and I don’t know what is stronger, mine or his. He holds my hand tightly now and I keep my eyes open. I don’t dare to move to turn off the light, to pull away the hair that is tickling my nose or not even to move to a more comfortable position… and neither does he. It’s still early to sleep so I don’t know how much time I stay awake, I hear Harry’s family arriving, I hear Harry’s mom coming upstairs to the bed later and I hear Gemma going to her room as well after going out… I’m sure Harry hears it too, because I don’t remember to hear his usual breathing when he is sleeping and he keeps holding my hand tightly.

~*~

I might be sweating a little when I wake up, but I’m too comfortable to move and this time I know I can and I will stay in bed, or… in this improvised bed. The light from the lamp is still on like it was last night and there is no light coming from the window, but I think the blinds are closed so, once again, I don’t know what time is it, but I don’t expect going back to sleep since I’m full rested.

I’m not in the same position like I was last night. I’m laid faced up, Harry is wrapping his arms around my torso and I don’t expect to pull him away since waking him up is the last thing I want to right now; for two reasons: first his face is precious, he looks so much younger than twenty, he looks so in peace and I know he’s sleeping well since he’s not snoring; second I want to keep this moment and silence to think and to be by myself.

Are we going to act like nothing happened last night, like we always do? I wished that, but we can’t keep doing that every time something this gender happens, like we’re running away. If things like these didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have to apologize to Harry and he wouldn’t have to feel like he’s feeling and wouldn’t have exploded last night.

“This was all my fault. This started to change when I told you my feelings and I never asked you how you felt toward this, so when you started pushing me away from you I got the message and I tried my best to keep myself apart from you… because that was what you wanted and I just didn’t want you mad at me. I was caring about your feelings more than mines…”