At Least We Have Good Weather: A Life of Love and Loss

Chapter 27

One of the annual traditions in the music industry is the South African Music Awards, a weekend long party at the country's most popular holiday resort, Sun City.

It would be my first time attending, as I was now an industry guy. The girls of NKD were also up for an award, so I felt great pride in how far we had all come.

But there was a giant hole in my soul. Though I had been through so much in my life and stood strong, inside, I was broken. It was hard to hide. I faked a smile and a laugh, and continued every day as if nothing was wrong.

For the first time in my life, I had an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. Things between my mom and me were at the point of snapping again, and I feared what I would do if something did get pushed too far. I simply didn't know how I would react this time.

With the awards weekend beckoning, I felt I was finally going to get some alone time. Good or bad, I wasn't sure. I had the option of bringing a partner, which I tried in vain to find, but nobody wanted to spend a weekend alone with me. It just compounded everything I had been loathing about myself.

Friday 13th April 2007, I headed out to Sun City for the SAMA awards. During the day and the evening before, I had been in a very bad argument at home, and both my mom and I agreed it would be best if I drove my car off a cliff and did everyone a favour.

Seeing as it was a company car, I didn't intend doing that, but yes, I felt it was time, and I made peace with the fact that I was ready to end it. My life simply wasn't progressing to the point of happiness.

Friends were complaining that I was always negative and had a bad attitude, and wasn't grateful about what I had achieved.

My plan was to find peace in a far off place and slowly let it end. Heck I was prepared, I even took razor blades with me, and I don't shave too often...so they were brand spanking new.

After a frustrating ride there, which included getting lost for 2 hours, I eventually arrived in Sun City, checked in and showed my face around town so people knew I was there.

The Friday itself was pretty uneventful, but I took it as my time to have one last look at everyone. Maybe share a few laughs with industry friends and just enjoy the night. But I was distracted and couldn't get my mind off what I didn't have in my life. I turned in early that night, and went and lay on my hotel bed in an attempt to fall asleep.

Thoughts were racing through my mind, and I was restless. Eventually, I got up and went for a walk through the resort, but ended up lost in some wilderness.

Eventually I got back to the room at about 3am and passed out from exhaustion.

Then Saturday came, and I spent some time taking in the scenery, spending the time just making sure of what I wanted to do. And there was no doubt...there was a peace about my

decision, I had done everything I wanted to do in my life, but the fight had just become too hard; the burden too heavy. The light had faded.

I went back to the hotel room in the late afternoon, ran myself a bath, laid out all my clothes for the evening's event, and then switched on my laptop and played my Jim Reeves Greatest Hits album, which is enough to drive even the happiest of people to the point of suicide.

I then attempted to write a goodbye letter, but the words just didn't come, well, except for four simple words - "It was too heavy".

As I laid in the bath I had a set of razors next to me, and toyed around with them for a bit...not taking too long to realize I didn't have the guts to cut myself (even though I knew the rule was to cut down and not across).

I began to cry at the fact that I wasn't even man enough to end it.

Then it dawned on me, all I need to do was close my eyes and fall asleep, and a tub full of water would do the rest.

I sent a few texts to some people, just telling them I missed them. A few replied with the usual non-committal responses. It was as I expected. Then I relaxed, opened the tap and laid back...

It felt like minutes...then it felt like hours...and suddenly...just as I felt myself nodding off. I heard the room phone ring.

As a knee jerk reaction I suddenly woke up and was alert, almost panicked at how long I had been under the water. I let the phone ring a few times to make sure it wasn't just me hearing things.

I made my way to the phone, but it stopped ringing before I got there. (It later turned out it was a work colleague who phoned me to see if I wanted to get dinner).

It slowly began to dawn on me how low I was, just how much I didn't care anymore. I sat on the floor, crying into the towel for at least an hour.

Eventually I pulled myself together, got dressed and met up with my friend, Marcus, and in what can only be deemed the greatest case of reverse psychology ever, managed to get him and his girlfriend to crash with me for the night "so they could have a good rest"...but for me, I knew I needed someone there.

The rest of the evening went off as planned I guess.

The Sunday came; I ate breakfast and reflected on everything.

I drove slowly back to my real life, almost cursing myself for failing to end it. I had turned my phone off, and my mom had been panicking because she couldn't get hold of me. She even phoned the resort and they had told her I had checked out in the morning. But I only returned home in the late evening. Immediately being welcomed by an argument when I came through the door.

Over the next few days, I tried to make sense of what I went through. Would I just be a tormented soul for the rest of my life? Would I always be punished for trying to find happiness? Love was all I yearned for...just someone to care for, and to care for me.

It was a very dark time for me, and I just couldn't shake the sadness. But, despite the pain, I kept trying.

While I didn't die a slow death, MySpace did, and rising in its place was a new social network known as Facebook.

Facebook opened up a whole new world of contact, from classmates to old colleagues, and rapidly, everyone from my past started popping up.

I foolishly encouraged myself to try life, just one more time. Maybe even try reconnecting with some people from my past instead of all these new heartaches.

And that's how I got in touch with an old school friend named Lori...