Roommates

57. Not The Same

Previously...
"We'll find a way. We're stronger together. Even if... 'together' is just me and you."
I cuddle her tighter, and finally she lets herself break. She turns to me, red faced covered in tears and eyes full of fear and pain, and allows her body to just collapse in my arms and sob.

***

Finn's POV
Me and Rachel stayed cuddled for the rest of the afternoon and all night as she cried and slept and cried and slept. I wake up this morning feeling tired, although I've been resting for well over twelve hours. I have a class today, but I really don't want to go. I have to, though, because I'm trying to still catch up on everything I missed, but there isn't much left at this point.

I slowly try to slip my arm out of the hook of Rachel's to get ready without waking her, but she wriggles around and, for once not waking up, pulls me closer to her. I kiss her forehead gently, and I watch as she sleeps soundly, as if she's forgotten everything that happened yesterday. I guess that's good for now.
I try again after a few more minutes when she loosens her grip on me again, and I manage to get out of bed safely with just me awake.

It's 11 a.m. and my class is at 12:30 a.m. so I have enough time to even take a shower to clear my head; Rachel's fast asleep so the noise shouldn't wake her. I grab some clean clothes from the bedroom.
I'm trying to be strong for Rachel. I didn't cry with her last night because I knew she needed someone to just be there and not make her sadder, but I feel like I'm about to explode.

I turn on the water and strip out of my current clothes that feel disgusting on me because I didn't change into my pyjamas last night.
I get in and let the lukewarm water run down my body. I used to take showers with a shirt on, but I don't anymore. High school made me feel a little self conscious, especially when Sam had (and still has) the six pack I've always dreamed of having which I don't, so when I'd shower in the boys locker room I'd always wear a shirt.
But this isn't high school anymore, and I know Rachel loves me anyway.

I enjoy my shower for around 10 minutes longer, fighting the urge to sing my heart out about pain and cry because I don't want to wake Rachel, but after another minute the shower curtain slides open and Rachel gets in, wearing one of my shirts.

"Uh..." I stare at her, alarmed, "are you ok?"
She doesn't talk to me, she just walks into my arms and lets me hold her. This is not how a shower with your girlfriend would usually go, especially not with one of you having a top on.

"I heard you get up but I didn't want to move." She tells me. So I did wake you up. "You can never get up without waking me."

I laugh and attempt to lift off her (my) shirt which is getting soaked and it's actually one of my nicer ones, but she pulls it back down.

"You don't need to be worried around me, I've seen it all before." I try to comfort her, but she looks embarrassed and won't lock eyes with me for more than 15 seconds. "How are you going to wash with a shirt?"
"I don't need to wash."
"It's good to clear your head."
"It won't help."
"It will for even just a minute."

"Don't you feel sad too?" She looks at me, and I freeze even though the water's getting hotter.
"Yeah. I'm sad."
"You haven't cried."
"I can't right now. I will later, but..."
"I know what you mean."

Rachel's POV
There's a silence between us apart from the water patting down on the bottom of the shower.

I wanted to get in the shower with Finn to make me feel normal again and close to him, but now I just feel embarrassed and stupid for even thinking it can all just fix like that.
"Do you have class today?" He asks.
"No." I look down.
"I have to leave soon." Finn tells me as he soaps up his body, "will you be okay here?"
I nod, even though I know it's a lie. When Finn went to class before, I wasn't alone because I could talk to my bump and sing to it, but now I'm more alone than I was before I got pregnant.