I'vebeen awake for about half an hour.
Dave has been here the whole time. Jess is stuck on the other side of London because of the weather.
When I opened my eyes first, Dave was sitting on the edge of my bed, about a foot away from my head. He sighed and put his hands in his face and I think he said thank god but he was very quiet.
He hugged me tightly and told me if I ever do this again he'll chain me to the kitchen table and eat the keys. I'm glad he thought it was a time for humour.
I haven't really spoken since. I don't want to say the wrong ting. I don't want to get into conversation. I want to be alone.
Then the door opens and its Danny. When I see him, I feel like someone's punched me in the guts.
He looks tense. He's paler than usual. His eyes are shiny and I think he's been crying. His arms are crossed across his chest and he's twisting his lip ring. He looks up at me. He opens his mouth but shakes his head and closes it again. He looks at his feet.
'Danny, she's okay.. It's okay..' Its Alan, beside him.
Danny looks at me again as if I'm going to look all better all of a sudden but he just bites his lip and lets his arms fall at his sides. 'She's not okay' he says.
I know that voice and it chills me to hear him sound so raw. I don't want him to feel like this again, not for me.
'Danny, I'm fine'.. I start but a tear rolls down his cheek, leaving his thick dark eyelashes glossy and sad and I can't finish my sentence.
'Can we have a minute?' He's talking to Alan and Dave who seem as surprised as I feel. Alan pats Danny on the back as he leaves and Dave looks at me carefully, as if he's memorising my face.
When the door closes, it's painful in the room.
He's looking into my eyes intensely so I break his gaze and look at the wall.
'Really Danny, I didn't mean to-', I begin, but he's right beside me now. He sits on the edge of the bed. With one hand, he prises my hand away from my ear stud and puts it on his chest. I can feel his heart beating. Fast. And beautifully. He puts his other hand under my chin and tilts my head up so that there's nowhere to look but his eyes, huge and blue and shining. He doesn't blink. He places one of his hands over my hand on his chest. It's warm and strong and gentle. The hand under my chin moves to the side of my face. His face moves closer to mine. Something inside me tells me that now is the time to pull back, that after this I'll have no choice, that this is dangerous territory and love is bad. But Danny's eyes are gazing into mine so intensely I think he can read my soul like a book and hear my thoughts like a record. He bites his lip the way he does when he's scared or worried, the way he does when he's about to tell you the truth even though the truth isn't what you want to hear, and I just can't look away. Then, his lips are on mine, his familiar smell of coffee and smoke wrapping around me like a blanket. His lips are soft and gentle but purposeful and determined. He's warm and strong and his body melts into mine as I respond, my lips kissing him back, gently, then faster, sronger, as if I have nothing to lose, and I never want this moment to end. A voice in my head tells me I'm foolish but my heart tells me I have no choice and my body melts into Dannys as his finger move throught my hair and our hands stay on his chest, beating, beating. Dannys lips leave mine reluctantly and we both open our eyes. There it is again, that gaze. 'Rache', he begins, and I feel his heart beat faster, 'you can't pull back. Not now, not ever, I won't let you', he bites his lip again and I feel my own heart quicken it's pace, as his eyes bore into mine, 'I love you, and I need you'. I know it's the first time in his life he's said those words to anyone, and I know he means them now. 'I love you too' I whisper, my voice shaking. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.
