cancer girl. // finished

Entry 3

20th of October 2013

The thoughts of yesterday kept replaying in my mind, haunting my dreams. I decided to give up on sleep and just stare up at my ceiling and think.'Your just a big bundle of sadness that sits around and feels sorry for herself.' That little remark sang in a happy symphony, it jeered at me in a innocent little girl's voice telling me that it was true. I let the tears gush out easily and curled myself in the tiniest ball I could on the corner of my bed. It was an act of retaliation therefore I shouldn't let it get to me. But he still said it and I don't know what hurts the most.  Maybe it was the way he added 'So I'm waiting sissy dear for the day you die so everything will be in check.'
Or perhaps it was the fact it left an imprint on me, as if he slapped me weeks ago but it still stung, I still held my cheek stunned if it actually happened or not. This made me realize that if he was thinking it and he said it doesn't it mean it's true? I don't even know what to believe anymore.

If your  wondering about school, the term ended yesterday which means its half term.  Yay.  Note the sarcasm.  I hate half terms.  Call me crazy but it just makes me more depressed.  I mean I am depressed at school but not as much.  School is like a distraction.  I'm mostly happy in school but then I come home and break down. I don't know why I do this. I just figured I hate myself so much that there is absolutely no point.

Once I finally got out of bed, I walked to the bathroom to see a depressed teenage girl. She had bags under her eyes and red brimmed eyes. Her face was extremely pale showing no signs of life. I threw water at my face and my reflection did the same. After I brushed my teeth I went back to my room and listened to Who Are You Now by Sleeping With Sirens. The song was so relating yet in a way so different.

Later on I decided to face the world and go downstairs and sit in the kitchen with my family at the dinner table.  The conversation they were having ended abruptly and my mother complained on how I should take a shower before I come down and how I should look more decent.  My older brother of course rolled his eyes which caused me to sigh and leave the dinner table. I didn't need my mother's criticism today.  It's just on top of feeling sad my mother thinks she can add her comments as if she was telling me; Why couldn't I have a better daughter?  I don't know how long I can take all this.  Plus I should go to the hospital or something to check out these marks.  My mother might make one of her silly excuses but that doesn't mean I can't go on my own.

Well that's it for today.  I have no energy to write anymore than this and my arms ache. I will probably go to the Gp tomorrow to find out if the marks are just stress hives or ringworm.  What else could it be anyway?  Good night lovely reader and I hope your day was better than mine.

Love, Unknown.