Fix You

i always wondered; sixteen

we sat in silence watching the sun go down as i found myself fighting back tears again. i don't know why i decided to open up to matt, maybe it's because he was there or because i knew he wasn't in a place to judge me but boys always leave.

it's just a fact of my life.

everybody leaves and everyone's sorry, but nobody understands.

"is that why you haven't left lucas?" he asks, gently.

i furrow my brows at his question and wait a beat before responding, "i did leave him."

"no, you removed yourself from a tense situation. there's a fine line between the two." he says to me.

"and you're not getting away with not answering my question." he says blankly as i sigh, giving up.

"i guess so, i don't know. does it even matter? all i know, is that lucas needs someone." i say quietly, upset at myself for not having an actual answer to matt's question.

"so why does the person have to be you?" he asks after another beat of silence that sends me into deep thought. why did it have to be?

he isn't my responsibility.

we aren't dating.

we aren't friends.

he's hurt me badly on numerous occasions.

but i keep find myself crawling back whenever he feels alone, i keep letting him break me and break me and break me.

until there's eventually going to be nothing left.

why do i do that?

maybe it's an infatuation, maybe because it's familiar, maybe it's because i hate to see anything as broken as me...

maybe even after all he's done, i still love him.

of course i don't say any of this out loud and just settle on replying "because i can deal with him, and a lot of people can't, i can take it."

"yeah but you don't have to," he comments.

"i know." i blink away the tears that were caught on my lash line.

"people are so fucking difficult." i huff out, shrinking smaller into the oversized hoodie. i sort of wish it would swallow me whole and transport me to virginia, i'd kill to be with riley right now.

"we are," he agrees.

"another thing i know is that.. even though he hurt me, and probably will again. is that i'd rather asphyxiate then live in a world where he doesn't exist. and i don't know why." i say, a distant tone in my voice as i watched the sun sink further and further into the horizon line.

"so you love him?" he asks and time stops, my mouth goes dry and i can't find words to respond.

"maybe." is what i settle on replying with,
"maybe not"

"everyone in my life hates him, i feel like i should hate him too... but i don't." i shrug and run a hand through my matted hair as i feel matt's eyes on me.

"just because they hate him doesn't mean you have to, it means you have a strong mind. but everybody already knew that." he says and i swear he knows exactly what to say and when to say it.

"you're a smooth talker," i think aloud.

"so i've been told." he replies after yet another beat of small silence.

i let out a dry laugh at his confidence and shake my head, turning to smile at him brightly.

"this moment would be so much more touching if i didn't look like a sewer rat," i deadpan as i wipe at my eyes again.

"it would be, wouldn't it?" he jests before i nudge his shin away from my foot, laughing along with him. our laughs sounded melodic enough to serenade the coldest heart.

"gee, thanks." i reply rolling my eyes, trying to bite back the small smile formulating on my face once again.

heartbreak is so weird, not like in the movies. it's like a gloomy cloud but it doesn't shut you down like you think it would.

it feels like comfortable numbness.

"lucas is an idiot," he says sighing.

"trust me, i know." i deadpan.

"you're perfect and he's a complete dumbass for treating you as anything less than that," he says like it's nothing, like it's common sense.

and i feel my jaw clench, not because i'm angry but because i didn't want to react to what he said.

"i'm far from-" i begin before he stops me.

"you're pretty fucking close then. look at you, you are the strongest woman i know that's not my mother and you're smarter than you let people know. you're always one step ahead and not to mention the fact that you're gorgeous." he rants and raves, taking only a few breaths in between.

looking to change the subject i ask about his mother, i don't remember ever seeing her around.

"tell me about your mom, i don't think i've seen her around before," i say, finally turning to look at him.

"uh yeah, she passed away three years ago. breast cancer." he says, i can hear the sadness in his voice and even see traces of it on his face.

i nod my head in understanding.

"you and scott are the only people who know that, you know that?" he says to me, mimicking my earlier composure. looking out into the distance instead of looking at me.

"i don't know where my sister is, she ran away. and my dad is just there, empty and sad. all of the time," he concludes.

i feel my eyes watering again, i had no idea.

nobody ever does.

i hear a sniffle from him and i stay silent, i think he just needs me to listen.

"i just want my family back," he weeps, looking down at his hands.

without a word i put my arms around him.
"i'm so sorry, i'm so so so sorry matt," i say.

he stiffens up under my sudden affection but soon eases into it.

"i am too, how could a brother let his twelve year old sister leave. how didn't i see it coming?" he says, wrapping his arms around my torso.

"it's not your fault, matt." i whisper into his shoulder as i feel his body tremble against mine.

"but-"

"it's not your fault." i assert my statement.

we aren't the ones to blame.