the deluded ones [#2]

and

july 16th, 2017

and so, the fourth makes an appearance, and this is my last. my limbs, they lack energy to move. my heart, the pain, it's so much worse now.

i'm crying again, and i'm holding that little gift you gave me exactly two months ago, and now, a day. she's so small, but i'm holding her against my heart like she's the only thing saving me.

it's hard to breathe through the physical pain of my heartstrings and weakened lungs. nothing makes sense; why is everything flipped over?

i'm telling her, asking her, if she'll help me remember you, help me to never forget you. but why am i saying this to an inanimate object as if it could do anything? why am i acting like she's a person who will hold me up? do i think she can when i've already fallen down because my legs and knees can't stand anymore? do i think she'll help me up from the way i'm sitting?

i've already walked through my room in a panic, searching for the things you gave me and growing frantic at being unable to find them. but, i do find them; they had been moved.

and i'm shaking; my hands are at my head.

"where am i? who am i? what am i doing?"

and everything comes flooding back in so fast, and i stumble my way down the stairs, only to collapse in a room, sitting and feeling lost, like i've given up.

have i given up?

i can't tell.