The Bystander

Chapter Nine

Alyssa

By now I was already half way home, my legs burned with exhaustion from the power walking I had forced my body to do. My pulse was going crazy right now, fitness isn't and never will be my forte. I slammed the front door behind me, noticing that my mother was still at work. The cardigan on my back made me sweat, adding onto the exhausting heat outside. My legs carried me up to my room, the pain was still there.

The little machine sat there taunting me, laughing at me. I already knew what to expect, no matter how much I try to exercise - it's never enough. Tears of frustration built up in my eyes, along with a wave of hurt and disgust. I stripped myself of my clothes, leaving me in my brassiere and underwear.

My eyes casted over to the large mirror in front of me, my hands grabbed at the extra skin on my hips and thighs. I bit my lip, taking in my disgusting body - I felt ugly.

I shut my eyes, trying my hardest to push out the negative thoughts. So as I stepped on the scale, I was already prepared for the future outcome. "What have you done to yourself Alyssa." I whispered to myself, frowning as I picked up an old picture of me and Calder.

The old me was thin, happy. The old me was someone who had disappeared long ago, someone who left - all because of him. He took it all away, I almost smiled at the goofy grin that was plastered on my face in the picture. My hair was so long, so dark and beautiful. My green eyes so vibrant, happy.

Calder, such an adorable kid. The best little brother anyone could ever ask for, I knew that he lost something that day too. He's always so strong - he's the strongest of all of us.

I looked at myself once more, gripping the extra skin once again. I pulled my hair up the back of my neck, hissing slightly as I saw the jagged old scar that went down my shoulder and met my stomach. My hair felt rough in my fingers, rough and un brushed for so long. I was never good at braiding.

The bags under my eyes worsened, my sunken cheeks and pale face. What had happened to me? Am I really broken? Is this what people see when they look at me? This disgusting face? This dead human? Where has my spirit gone?

***

"How was school sweetheart?" Mother asked, cutting her pork chop in half. The smell wafted directly under my nose, giving me the same chills that food always does.

I cleared my throat. "F-fine mom." Was my simple answer.

She eyed me slightly, noticing my usual habits as I pushed the food around. She knew that I wasn't going to eat it. "Eat your beans Hun." She swallowed, finishing up her dinner.

"Can I eat this later?" I blurted out instantly, letting out a sigh of annoyance as my stomach threatened to make its hunger known. "Please? I have a social studies assignment I need to finish." I added, lying to her. I hated the fact that the only time I would speak more than a sentence to my mom was to lie.

"Are those girls giving you a hard time?" She looked pitiful, I hated that look.

"No Ma." I sighed, eating half of my green beans. The vegetables will help with my weight problem, I told myself.

"How is that boy? Noel?" She asked unsurely.

"Noah Ma, and he's fine." I rolled my eyes, eating all of the beans on my plate.