Don't Let Go ✔ (Editing)

6 - Happier?

The next day was Sunday. I liked spending my Sundays with the patients; just talking, and sometimes we even watch a movie on the television. It really is relaxing. Cody would visit me sometimes and seeing him made things even better.

I really should stop doing this to myself; thinking of him every second. But its so hard to not think about the first guy I've ever loved. Its hard not having him on my mind all the time. I haven't gotten used to the thought of not being with him. I haven't programmed my mind to think 'single'. Yesterday's conversation with him just kept coming back to me, added to the thought of what I did the previous night. He broke up with me, but I still sort of feel like I was unfaithful. I know he's probably already fucking around, why can't I just do the same? I'm too hung up on this.

After helping the nurses and doctors a bit at the hospital, I decided to get a bit distracted. I've been working all day, not that I don't love it, but every one needs a break. I spend mine with the patients. Not very different from what I do, but I enjoy just sitting and chatting. Besides, the staff doesn't mind it.

This may be a hospital for cancer patients, but it's so much better than actual places people hang out. I can't walk up to someone and talk to them in the mall or something; they'll look at me funny. But here, everyone just seems accepted. I love it and I don't care if I sound like a friendless loser.

Out of habit, I find myself padding to Angel's room. I don't know what's wrong with me. It doesn't help that someone special to me stayed here, but for a really nice guy to move in is just... wow. What else am I to do but come here even more?

I knocked on the door of his room, and slowly opened the door. I found him lying on the bed, with a nurse ministering something to him. Ashton winced as he stared down at the needle going into his skin. I winced also, feeling as if I was the one getting an injection. I absolutely hate needles – I cry like a baby. I don't know how people can do that so frequently...  Not that they have a choice...

I stood awkwardly waiting for the nurse to finish. I usually just look around, hoping my eyes fall on something interesting. The walls are painted a light peach color, but I've noticed that too many times. I also notice a chip in the wall, a little way under the air conditioning unit, and there's a framed photo of a bunch of flowers in a vase that has been here since before Angel. Each flower was a different color, which I always thought was really stupid and I always wondered who even bought that. I also notice a pair of black bedroom slippers in the corner of the room, instead of the foot of the bed, which also has me wondering. My eyes run over the small dresser provided by the hospital, which I can clearly remember is where Angel's doll collection would stay. She had a really weird doll, which always seemed to be staring at me, and it freaked me out. But now the dresser top is completely bare. Does he even have clothes in there?

The nursed flashed me a smile as she left the room, and I returned a bigger one. She always made me feel so loved with her warm smiles and happy greetings. I take a seat on the chair provided next to his bed, only after realizing that he didn't even give me permission to do so. But I felt a bit more comfortable when I noticed he had a smile on his face.

“Hey,” he says.

“How are you feeling?” I rose an eyebrow.

“Uh I don't know, I have this sudden sick feeling,” he sarcastically tells me with a smile. I rolled my eyes, but didn't reply. I bite my bottom lip and looked around once more. I furrowed my eyebrows as something struck me, “Where are your parents?”

“Not here,” he shrugged.

“So, you're alone? No friends? Parents... Life partner...?” I hoped I wasn't too suggestive. Ashton chuckled softly then coughed right after, which got me worried. I couldn't help my worry.

“My parents are... not to be talked about... and I have a girlfriend actually, but that whole school situation sort of limits how often she's here,” he nodded his head. I shrunk in my seat and leaned back. That one definitely hit me like a wrecking ball. A part of me wanted him to be gay, but another major part sort of just knew he wasn't. He has a fricking girlfriend, and their relationship is probably as strong as ever.

“Oh...” I mutter, realizing I needed to say something. This is really bumming. Now I actually just want to leave.

“What?” he furrowed his brows as he asked.

I bite my lip softly, “Uh I just uh... I just wanted to know about your parents that's all. I mean I'm not usually all into other people's business, but it's just sort of weird you know. I mean, do they not care at all?” I spoke quickly and my words came out sort of jumbled, all because I was nervous and acting stupid. I feel so pathetic now. He has a fucking girlfriend. He's straight as a pin. How could I like him? I mean, it's not the first time I've found a straight guy good looking, but this just seems different.

And it's completely wrong because he's a patient at a place I volunteer, which is weird. I'm certain I'm not supposed to be crushing on the patients. I'm a complete screw up. What am I doing with myself?

“Look, it's okay to want to know... I just don't really want to talk about it,” he nods his head then faced front. I mentally face palm myself for being so stupid. I still feel like an idiot for doing this to myself. He has a girlfriend.

“Uh yeah... I totally get it. It's personal. I really don't want to know,” I mutter and stand up from my seat.

“Are you leaving?” he asks me quickly.

“Yeah, I think I'll just go...”

“Why?” he asked, “Are you upset because I didn't-”

“No,” I flash a fake smile, then a fake laugh came out, “It's not that. I totally get that it's personal. I just... I need to go.”

“Well okay then,” he awkwardly tells me. I bite my bottom lip softly and stepped backwards. I feel like no matter how many giant steps I take, I'll never exit this room – which sickens me. Ashton looked at me weirdly, which is even more embarrassing. Wow, I finally try to get over Cody by finding someone else to like, only to find out that he's hetero. How nice for me, huh?

I bet it's so much better being emotionless. I bet when you just jump from guy to guy it's so much easier. I can be with who I want and won't have to care the morning after because I'd already moved on by then. That honestly seems like the best idea right now. I mean, I had sex with a guy in a bars bathroom, can it really get any harder than that? I should just fuck and forget right.

And since I've already fucked Cody, it's just to forget.

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