beauty behind the madness | the weeknd

9

Rose

I find Emma at our usual spot. She's smoking a blunt. I want nothing more than to just take it out her hands and have it myself, but I bite back the urge.

"Hey," she says lazily, her eyes slightly dropping, and I mumble a "hey" back. I'm really not in the mood for small talk - especially after my talk with Tesfaye. I am an addict. I've known it all along, really, but I've always tried pushing it to the back of my mind. "You okay?" Emma asks, frowning.

I nod. "Fine," I mutter. Emma holds outs the blunt to me and I shake my head. I let out a huge sigh.

Emma looks taken aback. "You sure you're okay?" she asks. "It's not like you to refuse a blunt."

"Just not feeling it right now," I answer honestly.

"You know what you need?" Emma tells me. "A party!"

I shake my head. "No, I'm not really in the mood," I say, looking at my feet.

Emma's eyes grow wide. "Whoa! What is wrong with you?" she wants to know. "First you don't take the blunt and now you're not in the mood to party?" My hands start trembling and I rub them together; falling silent. I really am not in the mood for this. "Come on! Your mum's not home!  She won't be home until tomorrow morning! You can have a party!"

I chew my lip, considering it and then I shake my head. "You know, I'm just really not feeling it," I tell her. Why can't she get it through her head? I swear I'm going to snap.

"Okay, fine," Emma says, rolling her eyes. "But let me know if you change your mind, okay?"

"Okay."

I highly doubt it.

Later on, I'm sitting in my bedroom, staring at the wall. For some reason, I just feel so . . . empty. Maybe it's because of that conversation I had with Tesfaye. And how he made me realise what I really am. Ugh. I hate him. No you don't, the small voice at the back of my mind says.

Beads of sweat start rolling off my head and my hands start trembling again. This is getting annoying. I try to distract myself, but my mind just drifts back to the drugs, blunts, alcohol. I just need something - anything.

I dig out my phone and text Emma.

I changed my mind.