Broken Pieces

9

9

     “I’ll be right back, I promise,” I said as I stepped into the elevator.

     If I would have known that I was spending the night at Elliot’s when I was packing, I would have packed a toothbrush and deodorant at least. He had tried to persuade me to stay and let somebody downstairs go get toiletries for me, but I had insisted on getting them myself. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.

     After I had picked up more than I actually went for—I mean, hey, if I was spending the night at Elliot’s, even if we were sleeping in different beds, I wanted to look good while I was there—I stepped out of the drugstore and froze. Emotions swirled in my veins. Fear. Anger. Sadness… I wanted so badly to turn and run back to Elliot, but I’d been seen. Getting away wouldn’t be that easy.

     “Hello, Sam.” The hoarse voice made me shiver. The blood left my head and flooded into my toes, anchoring me to where I stood.

     “Laurel.”

     She looked horrible. Her jet black hair was ratty and her bones jutted out from her body. Her eyes were sunken into the hollow sockets around them, casting shadows over the tops of her cheekbones. But I guess that’s what drugs do to you.

     “How are you?” She asked halfheartedly.

     “Fine. I’d ask how you were doing, but, quite frankly, I don’t really care. You’ve obviously gotten worse.”

     “Gotten worse?” She acted innocent, but it was just that. An act.

     “The drugs, Laurel.” I sighed impatiently.

     “Oh, right. Anyway,” she changed the subject as if it was as light of a subject as the weather. “Do you have plans for thanksgiving? Some friends and I are going-”

     “Yes, I have plans.” It was a lie, but there was no way that I was spending thanksgiving with her friends that offered her the drugs in the first place. I just wanted to leave.

     “Oh…”

     “So if you’ll excuse me-”

     “I met one of dad’s old friends yesterday,” she blurted out.

     More blood fled from my head. “I don’t care, Laurel. You know what dad did to us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have somewhere I need to be.” Yeah, anywhere but here. I began to walk away, but I didn’t get far.

     “It wasn’t just a friend. It was dad’s doctor… said he was sick. What’s that supposed to mean, Sammy?” Even with my back turned to her, I flinched at the old nickname. “Is that supposed to justify what he did to us?”

     I turned back to face her. “You know damn well that dad was a schizophrenic. That doesn’t make it okay. He was all too willing to beat us like he did. Goodbye, Laurel.” I walked away with no intention of turning back or stopping.

     “Sammy, wait!” Laurel called after me, but didn’t follow me. I figured it was because she was probably too weak to do much of any kind of physical activity.

     A tear rolled down my cheek. Then another. Elliot’s building was only two blocks away, which normally would be a short distance to me, but my legs shook with weakness and made it seem an eternity away. I shivered, but I wasn’t cold. Or maybe I was…on the inside of my body. My blood felt as if it stilled in my veins and my head began to pound again. I pulled my wavy hair down around my face, trying to no avail to shield my tears from the glances of passersby. My heart pounded heavily in my chest. How did my past have such an easy way of creeping back into my life and replaying harrowing memories back in my head?

     When I finally reached Elliot’s building—a walk that took twice as long as it should have—I was thankful that the lobby was empty. I hurried to the elevator and jabbed my key into the hole that allowed me to get to the penthouse. As the elevator ascended with agonizing slowness, I slid down the wall and gripped my knees to my chest. How was I supposed to explain this to Elliot? I’d left so happy and excited that I was going to be staying here and I was returning a devastated mess. I wasn’t always this emotional. Would he believe that? I mean, really, look at yourself! You’re a mess.

     As soon as the elevator opened, Elliot looked up over the book that he had in his hand. His brow furrowed and his eyes searched the elevator car, widening when they saw me. I wanted to stand and run to him and tell him that I was okay, but that would be a lie that both of us would have known to be untrue. My legs shook too much for me to be able to stand, anyway.

     Elliot dropped his book to the floor and rushed to me. He scooped me up in his arms and took me to sit in front of his lit fireplace; his hand ran slowly up and down my back as his other took the bag I still gripped in my hand and tossed it aside.

     “Sam, what the hell happened to you?” His voice was restrained and I could tell that worry and anger filled him. He brushed my hair back and cupped my chin to turn my face up to his, and the worry and anger that I had heard in his voice was splayed on his face.

     I wanted to tell him every single thing. To tell him about my father. And my sister. Tell him about what made me so haunted. But it was all so dark. He wouldn’t understand. He’d feel pity for me, and that was the last thing I wanted. So I decided to wait on the trip through my horrific childhood and just explain enough to tell him about tonight.

     “I saw my sister.” I said softly as more tears made their way down my face and dripped onto the rug we sat on. “She saw me… talked to me.” My voice trembled and broke off.

     “I never knew you had a sister.” His voice was a little softer, more worried than angry. “What did she say, darling?” Elliot was so patient. I didn’t know what is was that caused him to be so soft and trusting around me after knowing me for only a few days, but I loved it.

     “Just enough to bring the past back up in my life… it’s worse than you think, Elliot. I’m jacked up…” When he didn’t respond, I kept going. “I don’t want you to get tangled up in this. It’s a big mess.”

     He remained silent for a long time. When I stole a glance up at him, I saw his soft eyes had a question deep in them. “I want to get tangled up in every part of you, Sam.”

     My heart melted but tears still slipped silently down my face.

     “Look, Sam,” Elliot spoke again. “I don’t know much about your past…your family… and I hope one day you can trust me enough to tell me all about it, because I want to know you. But for now I’ll take what I can get. I care about you, Sam. More than I thought possible in the course of only a few days, and I just-”

     I pressed my finger to his lips and looked at him, shaking my head slowly with my eyebrows scrunched together. I sincerely hoped that he saw the honesty in my eyes. “It isn’t a matter of trust, Elliot. You’ve given me absolutely no reason not to trust you.” I paused and took a deep breath. “I care about you too. Maybe too much. But that’s why I don’t want this to touch you. My past hasn’t come up in a long time and now suddenly it’s back. I don’t want you to think that I’m always this haunted, emotional person. But it does still affect me—the way I do things… the way I close people out… well except you. Somehow you have me where I want to tell you everything-”

     “Then do, darling.” He interrupted me with a soft voice as he played with a curl on the side of my face.

     I sighed. “Elliot, it’s too much… It’s too dark. I can’t-” I bit my lip in an attempt to keep tears from flooding back in. “I can’t do that to you.” I whispered.

     “Sam, if you need time for your own sake, I understand. But don’t you worry about me. Not one bit. And I know that you aren’t always so upset. I see it in the times that we have together that we’re laughing and happy… I hold on to those moments. Everyone has hard times, Darling. It’ll be okay. It all will.” He kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and tried to dull the aching in my chest.