Finding Kate

Chapter Twenty Two: Too Much, Too Soon

We hadn't been together in over seven months now, since before the fall. In the beginning it was because I was too sick to. It had never crossed our minds but now, it was like the elephant in the room standing between us. We had tried but the scar, whenever his hand touched it or my shirt rose up, I froze. I just couldn't let him see it, because I knew it would disgust him as much as it revolted me.

I always slept on my back now too, and I know that annoys Tim to no end but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I'd gotten into the habit because it hurt my chest to sleep any other way but now, my chest wasn't in pain at all until I strained it and I still couldn't shake that.

The memories of all that agony were too raw for me. It seemed stupid to think I was taking a risk if I didn't sleep on my back but that's what it felt like. Psychologically it panicked me if I rolled onto my side, or even my stomach. Tim had taken to letting his arm slope across my lower body now, his hand resting on my thigh, his face buried into the curve of my neck instead of the way we used to sleep together. His arm never went higher than my stomach; he didn't want to put the extra weight on my chest.

If I'm honest I missed the sex, I missed the closeness and the completion it brought with Tim. We were close now; we knew things about each other we'd never known before, seen sides that we hadn't known existed but it was something else to experience that physically. Tim had stopped trying after the first few times when I'd freaked out or become uncomfortable, it wasn't the rejection that fazed him but the emotional effect getting close to me had.

My freak-out's were like tantrums, I wanted to give him everything he wanted, that I wanted too but I couldn't. There were too many factors that rushed through my brain, and I could never completely relax.

The jingling in the lock alerted me to the use of Tim's key. We were practically living together these days. That hadn't been the original plan. When I got out of the rehab centre, Tim was supposed to move back to his place in order to give me a little space and freedom. We'd been living in each others pockets over the past seven months so it was time for a break.

Only when I'd caught the chest infection, I'd been so sick I could barely pull myself out of the bathroom let alone grab the phone. That in turn had made us both paranoid about leaving me alone for long periods of time. It was easier for him to live here and take care of me at the moment than it was to be apart, and I have to admit I liked the company, especially at night.

There were nightmares now, new ones, they were worse than before, more frightening. In them I could hear Clavo laughing, and then the crunch when I hit the ground. Sometimes they were worse than that. Sometimes I could hear a baby crying in the background; it was those ones that really tore me up.

We'd talked about the baby when I'd gotten better. He'd found my letters, he said they'd given him hope for us in a time where all he could see was darkness. It was the most profound thing to ever exit his mouth. It had hurt knowing that our child had never had a chance, but at the same time it opened a new option to us. The possibility of children, of one day the two of us having a family of our own. I was a strange sensation for me but I knew in the bottom of my heart that this was God preparing me for something, who knew what. It had certainly changed my views, my attitude towards life.

The door opened into the living room, and Tim appeared, hiding a yawn behind the back of his hand. I tilted my head towards him, taking in his trim figure in those smart jeans and the muscle hugging wine coloured shirt. I had to say next to the white one this shirt was my favourite. A hot flush resonated through my body giving way to an urge I badly needed to fix.

He ran a hand through his dark curls; he'd gotten his hair cut a little after I'd gotten home because his hair had started to get unruly. He rubbed a hand across his stubble, it was threatening to grow into a full fledged beard and although I loved the stubble, a beard made Tim look like a cave man. So I'd bought him a new razor and carefully placed it somewhere within his eyelevel in the bathroom, hoping that one morning he may get the incentive to use it.