NECROCITY TIMES - Issue #2 - VALENTINE'S SPECIAL

Undead: Until ReDeath Do You Part

Until ReDeath Do You Part

A How To Guide to get hitched to your reanimated partner.

By Krazydiamond of Shamble.com™

You've done it! You have found your one true pair, your other half, the corpsicle of your dreams. Now you want to take your relationship to the next step and shuffle your way down the aisle to become Husband and Wife.

Planning a wedding is a massive undertaking for the living, never mind the undead, and to avoid needing an undertaker at your nuptials here are a few solid, easy to follow tips to ensure your big day isn't a massacre!

1. Themes and Color Schemes

Nothing is more embarrassing than being the only chainsaw wielding maniac survivor of the wedding party. Dress to impress. Make sure your bridesmaids stick to a matching color scheme. Pick a theme and stick with it. No blending sideshow carnival with fifties prom. This is doomed to clash and poodle skirts are confusing to the easily distracted zombie. Someone is bound to lose an ankle. Aim for simple elegant color schemes. Reds and blacks are good and make hiding stains. Simple.

2. Rings

An important tip for the recently rotting; the heavier the ring, the more likely you are to lose a finger. Though nothing is unattainable with a little creativity and superglue.
While shiny rocks and gleaming bands are the traditional way to go, remember my dear zombie friends, 90% of shambling takes place in the great outdoors. With the crows. And those aggressive feather dusters like shiny things. It's bad enough losing a finger but zombies can't climb trees.

3. Guest Protection

Got a live one on the guest list? Just because you and your significant other have begun to spoil, doesn't mean all friends and family are in the same state of being. Keep your wedding from erupting into a bloodbath with proper separation of the living and undead. Barb wire is helpful but mostly ineffective. If you have the funds, we suggest a sturdy bulletproof plexiglass cage so your living guests can enjoy the ceremony without fear of being eaten. Do remember the air holes.

4. The Vows

Zombie tongues are not the most nimble of organs. It's difficult to speak through a hole in one's cheek. Having troubles communicating your feelings to the zombie of your dreams at the big moment? There are always white boards! Fine motor function may be difficult and time consuming to master as you painstakingly write your vows but if your wedding party is full of fellow zombies, no worries. They're dead anyway. Dead people are extremely patient.

5. Buffet

In line with guest protection, remember a mixed crowd means a mixed palette. Make sure you provide a tray of lasagna next to that vat of brains. Do you plan to have live grazing at your wedding feast? Make sure the food is clearly labeled to prevent accidental mauling. We suggest your live offerings are dressed properly so they stand out from your guests. Though to be fully safe, if you choose live grazing for your wedding banquet, it might be best to forgo live guests. Nothing says incidental massacre like a feeding frenzy.

6. The Cake

A properly themed cake is key. You want something that speaks to you as the bride and groom. Something that speaks to your likes, your interests, your...appetites. The cake is the centerpiece of your wedding buffet, so choose one suited to your palette. Find a wedding caterer that can provide you a cake chock full of organ meats. Though if you have live ones as wedding guests, we advise against trying to pass off the cake as a fancy pâté. Nothing is more gauche than having your wedding guests leave as insane cannibals. Invest in a small vanilla cake to appease your breathing guests while the rest of you dig into a scrumptious iron rich meat cake.

7. The Dancing

Let's be honest for a moment. Zombies shuffle. There may be the odd manic runner here and there, with a speed and frenzy others zombies admire, but for the majority lumber at best. Make dancing an enjoyable experience with a DJ who can cater to a less than lively crowd. A selection of line dancing songs wouldn't be remiss, as zombies do love to move in a herd. For the slow songs, we suggest slow, low pulse techno. It's not about the lyrics, but the beat and a firmly throbbing tempo will keep those zombies swaying about the dance floor.

8. The Toast

As with the vows, if your best man is a fellow undead we recommend a white board for communication.  Though in the presence of food, best to keep the toast short to prevent unwanted maulings. If your best man happens to be a breather, ensure that he can wax philosophical all he wants on love, life, and undeath, by encasing him in those handy plexiglass barriers. Again we can't stress enough to remember the air holes.

For the toast itself, be sure to provide options according to your guests. This is your wedding. Be sure to splurge on a good vintage for your drink of choice be it a 1960 Merlot or O Negative aged two weeks.

9. The Wedding favors

Party favors are always a plus at weddings. Whether you have invited a mixed crowd or not, party favors should be simple little gifts for your guests to take with them. These gifts do not have to be functional or overly sentimental, but why not take an opportunity as presented to give your loved ones a treat? Need a gift that appeals to both living and undead attendees? How about brain shaped soaps? Nothing like a nudge for hygiene for your undead brethren and those soap brains are simply adorable.

10. The Honeymoon

If you've managed to avoid disaster and disemboweling at your wedding ceremony and feast, then you've earned yourselves a well deserved honeymoon to celebrate your newly wedded bliss. Plan a trip to remember for the rest of your unlives together. Choose an exotic destination. Do exciting activities together. Chase down runners at the Running of the Bulls in Spain. Stalk through the never ending darkness in Iceland during the long, long nights. Take a deep sea dive together and surprise a cruise ship. The couple that lurches together, stays together. And as always, be aware of well armed civilians.

By @krazydiamond

Editor's Note: Again, just in case. Shamble.com is not a real zombie dating website, and has been invented for the purpose of humour and fiction.