Lonely Road (being rewritten)

Blog 3

Hello Beautiful Readers,

     Today I went to go see my therapist, Rebecca, and you wanna know what she told me? She told me that I have gotten better, although I'm not better and I know i'm not. Most nights are spent with me lying in my bed trying to fall asleep but the voices won't stop crying out to me. The voices haunt my dreams every night and torment me through the day. "Just one more cut," they say or "If you die right now nobody will care." The thing is though I want someone to care. The voices want me to skip meals. The voices make me want to punch every boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not getting better despite what my therapist believes, although we don't need to tell her that she's wrong.

       Anyways, last blog post you learned about how I met Caleb and Jack. After Jack dropped me off that night, I never heard from Caleb for a month, but I often met up with Jack and Andrew for lunch. I guess you could say that Jack became my best friend at that time, because he knows all about my eating disorder, family problems and my suicidal thoughts. Don't worry I am not suicidal anymore, but that's beside the point. The point is that I haven't heard from Caleb for a month after that night at Brittney's party and every time I went to their house with Jack or Andrew, he wasn't there. I'm not going to lie, I sorta developed a small crush on Caleb that night he saved me from the strip show that Brittney was basically putting on. After not hearing from him I just pushed that feeling to the side until one day...

*12/27/10*

     Currently I am laying on my bed thinking about everything that happened last night. Jack had a huge party for the opening of his new club, and with my fake ID I got extremely drunk. While I was throwing back tequila shots, I don't know if it was my imagination or if it actually happened, but I remember seeing Caleb standing right in front of me. He had on a white v-neck shirt with a motorcycle jacket and tight jeans on, and damn did he look good, but that's all I can remember. Did he take me home last night? I don't remember how I ended up in my house or in this comfy heaven I call a bed. I've been laying here for four hours trying to figure out everything that happened last night but I just can't seem to remember. I think my head is going to explode if I keep pushing it to remember. I just wish I kn--Ring. I rolled over to my nightstand and grabbed my phone.

    "Hello," I answered.

    "Good Morning sleepy head, how did you sleep?" Jack's chirpy voice rang out through my phone. Maybe he brought me home.

     "I slept well besides the whole waking up with a killer headache and the urge to puke everything up at like six this morning," I laughed. Honestly this morning I just dry heaved because i'm guessing I puked everything in my stomach sometime last night.

    "At least you made it to the toilet this time," Jack laughed, "Anyways, I am on my way to come get you for lunch with me and my idiot brothers." Does this mean Caleb's coming because he definitely said brothers with an s.

   "Okay! I'll see you in a little bit, Bye Jack Jack," Jack mumbled a goodbye in response before hanging up the phone. Caleb is coming or at least I hope he is coming, so I have to dress cute. I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I have mascara all over my face and my hair is in a tangled mess on top of my head. A shower is definitely in my favor today, so I strip out of my clothes and turn the water all the way to the left. I like my showers to be burning hot, none of that warm shit.

     After my shower, I stepped into my bedroom and went straight to my closet. I grabbed a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and pulled them on over my big ass, and then paired them with a black bralette and a cream off the shoulder sweater. I rolled the sleeves up enough to wear you could see my gold watch on my left arm and my tattoo on my right. I know I'm not old enough to have a tattoo, but my father knows a guy and he gave me one for my seventeenth birthday. Moving on, I sat down in front of my big mirror that sits on my floor and started doing my makeup. I kept it real simple with a light shade of brown eyeshadow and a swipe of nude lipstick on my plump lips.

     Once I finished my make-up and was satisfied with how I looked, I went back into the bathroom. Removing the towel from my head and shaking out my hair, I just stood there blankly staring at myself in the mirror. My hair is a light brown color and hits at right about my shoulders and has very choppy layers that makes my face look really fat under my glasses. I'm disgusted with the way my hair and face looks but there is nothing I can do about it. I don't have the money to go to a salon and get my hair layered and extensions added and I definitely don't have the money to pay for contact lenses. All my makeup that I have on are from a drug store and my clothes are ones that I found at Ross or was something one of my brother's little sluts leave here and never comes back to get it. Let's just say that my brother is the favorite and he get's everything he wants where I get the leftovers.

     The sound of the door bell ringing pulls me out of my thoughts. I rush into my room to grab my white converse before running downstairs. Jack stood in the entryway of my house talking to my brother about God knows what. They really get along due to the fact that they are the same age and both are huge players or "Legends" as Dylan likes to call them.

"Good morning boys," I greet them as I put my converse on. Dylan turned and mumbled a greeting back before kissing me on the head and walking away to God knows where. Jack walks up to me and smiles.

"Are you ready to go Ana?" I nod my head and follow Jack out of my house. Today he is driving Andrew's red corvette which only means that Andrew is with him or mentally insane for letting Jack drive his car. My thoughts were answered when Jack followed me to the passenger side and sat down first which means I have to sit in his lap again. This isn't the first time I've had to do this.

The drive to Joe's Pizza from my house was short but very entertaining. Jack and Andrew were arguing the whole time about what radio station to listen to, but in the end I put it on The Edge. When we got out of the car Jack looked at me and frowned.

"Caleb is already inside. If you don't want to talk to him you can always sit in between Andrew and I," Jack whispered in my ear. I already expected Caleb to be here but was I ready to talk to him? My heart aches with want but my brain tells me he doesn't deserve to talk to me. The heart wants what it wants, right?

In the back of Joe's, Caleb is sitting in a booth with a large Hawaiian pizza and a small cheese on the counter. He's playing on his phone not paying attention to the boys and I, but I don't care. This is the first time I've seen him in months and damn do I miss that boy. I push past Andrew and Jack and make my way to Caleb. He looks up at me and his blue eyes are filled with regret but his mouth forms a huge smile that contradicts the emotions behind those blue eyes.

"Hi," I whisper before sliding in next to him. His knee brushes against mine and it feels like I have been hit with a bolt of lightning. My heart begins to hammer hard and this feeling bubbles in the pit of my stomach. I have never felt like this before. 

"Hey," he smiles quickly and then jesters towards the cheese pizza. "I got your favorite," he smiled again. Looking at me with a new type of emotion but I can't detect what it is. I wanna hug him and ask him why he hasn't talked to me, but I'm not like that. I don't like to bombard people with questions no matter how curious I am. Jack and Andrew slide into the booth and we start talking about the grand opening of the club last night.

So far I have found out that I did pass out and Caleb did take me home. I also learned that I danced on a table and swung my shirt around my head like a lasso. Andrew showed me the video and I swear my cheeks turned fifty shades of red. I can't believe that I little quiet Anastasia, did that! The boys then started to talk about some redhead that Andrew had sex with last night and by now I have tuned out of the conversation until Caleb mentioned underground fighting.

Although, Caleb and I had a deep conversation the night of Brittney's party, he did not tell me he did illegal underground fighting. Honestly it scares me that he feels joy in beating the shit out of people, but I didn't know that this little hobby would affect the way he treats people outside of the ring. Little did I know that I wanted a relationship with a monster.

That is all for today, but until next time,

Ana Michelson

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Photo above is of Caleb!