First Base // Ryden

f o u r t e e n

Sarah and I have been here for almost an hour. And all i've been doing is sitting next to Ryan's bed, staring at him.

Spencer came back. he brought McDonald's for him and Jon. Jon shared his with Sarah, but I kindly refused and just kept looking at the unconscious boy.

"So, has he just been sitting there since he got here?" I hear Spencer ask in a whisper. I ignore it.

"Yeah.." i hear Sarah respond.

"It's kind of creepy.. don't you think?" Spencer adds. I'm listening now, but choosing not to respond.

"Brendon's a.. special one." Jon says.

"He seems so fascinated." Spencer says.

I have never said a word to Spencer in my life, and we've gone to school together since like third grade. I feel like he never liked me, I feel like I weirded him out. Then again, isn't that how I feel about anyone?

But what does it matter. Spencer is just another guy on the baseball team.

"Brendon?" Sarah asks trying to get my attention, "we have some fries here, you sure you don't want any?" she asks trying to convince me.

I shake my head, "no thanks.. not really hungry." I don't look back. I fold my hands together and hold them up to my mouth, admiring Ryan. Even when he's unconscious he still manages to look this good.

Okay, I will admit, the sight of me staring at Ryan's body so profoundly can be unsettling to anyone. But truth be told, I'm scared. This is someone I genuinely care about. Someone whose presence has blessed my life within the past few months. A real friend. A real best friend. And just as if something like this happened to Jon or Sarah, I'm terrified of losing someone this close to me.

"So," Spencer breaks the silence in the room, "is he like this all the time? Or is Ryan a special occasion?"

Sarah and Jon sigh, I can tell they're looking at each other. "Brendon, can I tell him?" Sarah asks.

Tell him what? That I'm hopelessly in love with the boy resting in front of me? Go ahead, at this point I don't care about anything in life any more.

It is thoughtful of her to ask though.

"Go ahead." I respond clearly not turning my head to look at them.

"Brendon is well, gay, and he is pretty much helplessly in love with Ryan." Sarah explained.

The silence is deafening. I should feel embarrassed. Normally I would, but everything in my life has been so fucked lately, I've realized maybe i should just stop caring.

I just feel numbness now.

"Brendon, are you okay? You seem.. off?" Jon asked with slight concern.

"I'm fine."

Ordinarily, in a situation like this, I'd probably be pacing the room, begging for reassurance by my best friends. Retorting to asking God for Ryan, the only light in my life, to be okay.

This, however, is not a normal situation.

I hear the three whispering, but I can't make out exactly what they're saying.

"Brendon, we're gonna go take spencer home, then gonna come back and get you, okay?" I don't respond. I know they just want an excuse to leave me. They both took separate cars and I don't even know how the hell Spencer got here, all i know is they're trying to get away from me.

They're still here, waiting for an answer I assume. I decide to just wave them off, knowing I'll probably be in the exact same position, staring at the exact same boy when they come back.

Now i'm in the room alone with a lifeless looking Ryan.

I put my hands to my face and stand up. "Fuck!" I shout in distress.

"God, Ryan, why can't you just wake up?You didn't deserve any of this." I stand up walking towards him.

No response. Shocking.

"You look so cute right now. I mean, you always look cute." I chuckle stroking his cheek. It's so soft.

I walk away and sigh, "I don't think you understand my true feelings." I turn my gaze towards him.

"Yes, I really really like you. Hell it might even be love." I shrug walking around the empty room.

"And I know what you're thinking, 'I'm only 17, what do i know about love?' " I say in a mocking voice . "Well Ryan, I know that every time you come up and talk to me, I turn into jelly." I laugh, then cringe at my noun of choice. "Sorry, that's the best way I could put it." I sigh and shake my head, "I know that, every time I look at you, I can't help but smile. I get butterflies every time you're around me. Every time I think about you, every time I look at you and just know that you're there in my life-" I take a breath. It's all coming out so fast. "Knowing that you're in my life. It just makes me smile. It gives me hope that things are okay and I have absolutely nothing to worry about."

This is the first time I'm able to talk about this out loud.

It feels really great.

There's a long pause after my monologue. " I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've never felt this way about anyone. Except you. In all my 17 years of life, you made me realize what love is." I say.

At this point, I can't help but laugh at myself. My words. "I'm sorry, I know you're straight. And I'll only be just a best friend to you." I shrug, "But, you know what- I'm fine with that! That's the closest we've ever been and honestly, I'm really happy. Happier than i have been in a long time." I explain.

I look at him with a hopeful look, only to sigh. "But, it's not like you can hear me anyways.."

i'm stood there, beaming again.

I snap back into reality when I hear Sarah's voice say, "Bren, are you ready?"

Her voice is soft, and comforting. I turn back to ryan saying "Yeah, let's go."

and she walks out, and i follow her not looking back.

{A/N: hello it me.

aLso i'm rereading throam and i forgot how much it fucked me up. i finished Vol. 1 on thursday and i'm gonna start vol. 2 monday. cant wait. the tears are gonna come. help.

also 2k reads bitch what the fuck.

don't forget to smile :D

~J <3 }

{2019 update:

Hi, this has been my favorite chapter to rewrite so far.

I love writing Brendon's roller coaster of emotions in more detail so you could actually feel what he's feeling

hope this made sense? idk enjoy ig

anyways

from 2019 jada, don't forget to smile :D

~J <3 }