In Your Dreams // phan

t w e l v e

"How was school?" were the first words out of my mum's mouth as I walked through the door. It sounded like a standard greeting but I knew that the question really meant 'did you have an attack today?'

I shrugged. "It was fine I guess," which actually translates to 'no, but very nearly.' My mum nodded understandably; we were both fluent in this kind of language. The topic of my anxiety wasn't necessarily taboo, I just preferred when we talked like this. I could pretend that I was normal.

"So does this mean you'll be going back full time?"

I had to really think about my answer and even then I couldn't arrive at a decision. "Yes? I mean... I don't know. Maybe." Truth be told I didn't know what I wanted. It was... confusing.

I knew I liked Phil. I liked Phil a lot. But the dreaming thing was still a problem. And the more I got to know Phil the guiltier I felt about the night time horrors that lay ahead for him. But there was nothing I could do about it, so there was really no point in keeping my distance, right?

Wrong. There was still a reason why I was tempted to keep my distance, and this time it was a selfish reason: I didn't want to get hurt.

Phil said he didn't care about the dreams but he'd only experienced one of them. The more he dreamt the more disenchanted he'd become with the whole soulmate idea. He would quickly realise that it wasn't everything it was cracked up to be and slowly but surely he'd grow to resent me. Maybe even hate me.

And that terrified me.

I was already in deep, I knew that. But perhaps, if I backed out now, there was still a chance for me to escape unscathed. A little cracked, maybe, but still intact. It was a selfish thought but also a persistent one, which I just couldn't shake.

"Earth to Dan?" The sound of someone snapping their fingers in front of my face woke me out of my trance.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly to my mum, as she let out a little exasperated laugh.

"I asked what changed your mind about school?"

Did I want to tell my mum about Phil? I never talked to my mum about crushes I'd had before but this wasn't just a crush. This was my soulmate. This was a big deal.

"I, uh... met my soulmate," I said as casually as I could, but I felt my face heat up anyway. I didn't do this kind of thing. I didn't talk to my parents about my life. Not that they were never willing to listen, I was just never willing to put in the effort.

My mum gasped in surprise. "Really? Dan, that's fantastic! Tell me everything! When did you meet? Where did you meet? What's she like?"

"Yesterday. At the library. And he is pretty amazing." I put emphasis on the word 'he' and I wasn't entirely sure why. She meant no harm in assuming my soulmate was a girl – most soulmates were straight couples – but I was feeling a little defensive nonetheless. I could like a guy. There was nothing wrong with that.

My mum was once again taken by surprise but she quickly recovered. "Right, sorry. What's his name? What's he look like? I need a little more than that, come on!" She hurried over to the dining table and took a seat while gesturing for me to follow suit.

I hesitated, one hand still on my bag strap. This was very unlike me. But then again I also went to school and stayed until the end of the day. I was doing a lot of things that were unlike me today.

So instead of heading straight to my room after the obligatory post-school greeting I pulled up a chair and sat down opposite her. "His name is Phil."

My mum beamed at me. "Phil! Oh, that's a lovely name! Dan and Phil. It has such a nice ring to it."

"Mum!" I groaned, standing up to leave but she grabbed my arm to get me to stay.

"I'm sorry. I'm just excited. Keep going." She smiled at me encouragingly.

"He's my age. And my height. He has black hair, same style as mine but, like, his fringe goes the other way..." I conjured a picture of Phil in mind, remembering everything about him with intense clarity, and soon I was rambling. Recounting every little detail down to the green and gold specks in his eyes.

So lost in my description of Phil I almost forgot that my mother was there. When I ran out of things to stay I was abruptly reminded of her presence and blushed a deep red. I was expecting her to laugh at me, or make a joke about how absolutely smitten I was, but she only smiled.

"He sounds perfect for you," she said. "Tell me about your dream. What did you see?"

My stomach churned when she brought up dreaming. I hesitated before answering. "I actually have a tonne of homework that I have to do. I should probably get started," I lied, before I quickly stood up to leave and make my way to my room.

I didn't miss the frown on my mum's face though. She knew something was wrong but she didn't chase after me. Didn't push me for more. She never pushed me, and neither did my dad. They, like everyone else, treated me like I was a bomb about to go off. Afraid that with the slightest provocation I'd explode.

It's why they didn't make a bigger deal about my attendance at school. I was both pleased and resentful at the way they never forced me to do things. Resentful because perhaps with a little more push I would be better at controlling my anxiety.

So far my solution had been to simply shy away from situations that made me anxious but maybe instead of avoiding the problem I should have learnt how to deal with it. Maybe I should have done more things that put me at risk of an attack so I could practise calming myself down.

But it was scary to voluntarily put myself into those kind of situations. I needed someone to push me a little bit. To drag me out of my comfort zone, because I wasn't brave enough to do it myself.

My phone buzzed in my pocket; a message from Phil. If you like, I can give you a lift to school tomorrow?

Up until then I hadn't decided if I was going to school the next day. There was the whole falling deeper for Phil thing that I had to worry about, plus the pressure of school itself and interacting with other people. But I smiled when I saw Phil's offer and in that split second I made up my mind.

Thanks, I'd like that :)

It was tiny, more of a slight nudge really, but it was the push I needed.