In Your Dreams // phan

n i n e

I hated the idea of Dan being alone when I was in Calculus. More so, I hated the idea of me being alone in Calculus. Now that I saw him again, I needed him more. It wasn't anything it could explain beyond admitting I'm entirely addicted to Dan Howell.

Luckily, Chris was in maths with me, so I could lament, brag, and annoy him with how perfect my soulmate is. Perfect.

Or as close to it as you can get.

But before I could even say anything to Chris, he began to speak.

"I have some advice for you, mate." He mumbled, sliding into the seat beside me. "There's a kid here, called Dan. He's weird. I know you're a bleeding heart and you love everyone and all that, but you should avoid him." I raised an eyebrow, but let him continue. "He used to come here, awhile back, and he would cry a lot, and hyperventilate. I'm not sure he's-" he tapped his temple, "all there." I decided to interject.

"He's has Anxiety Disorder. He can't help it." Chris let out a long, exaggerated sigh, putting his hands on his face. He looked up.

"Please tell me you haven't befriended him already."

"Actually," I said, pulling out my notebook and pencils, "he's my soulmate." Chris sputtered, sitting up straight. He stared at me for a second. Then he leaned in close to me.

"I'm so sorry." I couldn't tell if he was saying sorry for saying Dan was weird or because he was sorry Dan was my soulmate. Either way, I shook my head.

"It's fine." I wrote the date on the top of the paper once the teacher stood up and began addressing the class. He looked at me for a few seconds but then turned to his paper. I sighed, and turned to him. "You know, he's really sweet, and smart. I think you'd like him if you'd get to know him."

Chris looked at me, his eyebrows creased with sorrow. I smiled at him, letting him know I forgave him.

The professor began to give his normal first day of the term speech and I immediately gave up on listening, pulling out my phone.

What class are you in? I asked Dan, hiding my phone under the desk.

Study hall. He almost immediately responded, and I grinned. I've nothing to study.

We need to talk during lunch. About last night. I needed to talk to him about what happened. I needed to understand. It also wouldn't be bad to figure out what he saw. If this is going to be the rest of our lives then I needed to figure out how it starts.

You're right. But first, what's your favourite animal? I chuckled, glancing up at the teacher to make sure he was still droning on about expectations. I quickly typed a response.

I love lions. They're just amazing. How about you? He answered quickly.

I like llamas. And bears. And dogs. Fave colour?

And so it went for the rest of class, and I got nothing done. Not that it mattered that much. Nothing happened that I couldn't make up, and I got to learn as much as I could about my soulmate. He made me smile. He made me happy. I wanted to do the same for him.

Having a soulmate was like nothing I could imagine. Dan made me smile even when he wasn't around me. I hadn't even known him for 24 hours and I already knew I wanted to be with him the rest of my life. Even, as my mother constantly reminded me, if that wasn't true, if I could have Dan for ten short years and lose him in some terrible accident, any kids we have witnessing it, watching as their car slams into another in the middle of the night, tires screeching and brakes squealing but to no avail.

He's gone, I had to remind myself. He's gone and that's okay. You're okay.

"Hey." I smiled, Dan passing by me in the hall. He grinned, and turned so he was walking with me. "Where were you going?"

"What? Oh, nowhere." He was walking close to me, bumping into my shoulder. "Looking for you." I grinned. All my thoughts about my dad were washed away with Dan here next to me. Anytime with Dan would be enough. Seconds would do if he was by my side. Though I'd never wish it, if Dan was mine and mine alone, and I lost him to something beyond my control, I'd be okay. I'd be devastated, but I wouldn't forget about my kids. I wouldn't become so distant from them that they would sometimes forget I was there. I would never let them grow up alone, as if they lost both of their parents in that crash instead of just the one.

"Well, you found me." I reached out for his hand again, but then pulled away once more. I wanted to touch him, I wanted to hold him close to me but I didn't know how he'd respond. So I tucked my hands in my pockets instead.

We entered the lunchroom and were waved over by Chris and PJ, Chris almost reluctantly but PJ with a bright smile. I sat down next to them, pulling my sandwich out of my bag. Dan just sat next to me.

"So, you from Manchester, Dan?" PJ asked, stabbing his straw into his drink. Dan looked uncomfortable, his breath heavy, but he grinned nonetheless.

"Wokingham, actually. But I moved here young. I don't really remember it." PJ nodded in approval.

"Good cinema in Wokingham." Chris just stared at him, making no effort to be subtle. Dan raised his eyebrows.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." He mumbled, picking at a thread on his knapsack. Chris shook his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Dan?"