In which a broken girl is fixed by her brother's best friend with some bumps along the way
'Angel, knew you were special from the moment I saw you. Angel, I feel you closer every time I call you.
Cuz all I see are wings, flying, see your wings.'
'Simon, my gorgeous gorgeous boyfriend. I love you to pieces, don't you dare blame yourself for this. I will always love you. Feel free to check my messages you'll see what's made me take this final step. I can't deal with that mind fuck, I love you and I never want to let you go but I have to. You'll understand one day. Every moment we spent together will be the only moments I will think about whilst I'm going. I love you my king. Joshua, my selfless, amazing brother. I'm so sorry, you helped me so much but I think I'm far beyond anyone's help right now. Make sure you tell Aiden all about me and raise him right, be the dad ours never could be. I love you so much and look after Freya, tell her I love her and have the best wedding day ever. Love you broski. EllaBella. I said I wouldn't and I did, I'm sorry. I love you so much, you showed me true friendship when I needed it most. You're basically my sister and because of that I shouldn't leave but I have to, I can't stay on this fucking planet any longer. You're my best friend and always will be, I love you smelly. To all the Sidemen and friends. Thank you and don't miss me too much. You know how much I love you and keep improving and loving each other I love all of you and I'm sorry this had to happen. Goodbye. ~ Penelope Bradley.'
I read this and actually can't stop crying. This is breaking my heart. She loved me, but she chose to leave? I don't understand. 'One day you'll understand' she wrote. But when? What will I understand? I'll never understand I guess I'll just come to terms with that she's dead one day. I have no faith that she can be saved, our bathroom looks like a fucking murder sense. I have her blood stained on my hand. Josh comes and sits with me outside and puts his arm around me which makes me cry more. "Read this." I say handing him the phone preparing myself to watch his heart break. "That's almost sweet." He sniffs, wiping a tear away. "I know, this is so surreal. I never really thought she would do it." I admit. "Neither did I. I wish I would've helped her more, I could've done something." "If I'm honest, I agree with her, she was beyond our help, but she's not beyond a professionals help." "But she doesn't want that." "Josh, it's not about what she wants, it's about what she needs" I say being blunt with him. "I know. I know." He whispers looking up into the dark sky. "You'll never believe this mum. This pains me to say but make sure she's happy with you if that's where she ends up. Make her feel welcome and let her know we love her more than anyone else on this earth." He speaks. I don't even judge him, I smile with tears brimming my eyes. "Ella." Josh says spotting her and rushing to give her a massive hug, he also gives Joe a hug as he drove her from Jack's apartment. I hug her too and listening to her cry makes me cry more. She joins us on the bench outside A & E. "She promised me, she said she wouldn't. I miss her already, we can't lose her." She cries and I hand her the smashed phone. "No. This isn't real life." Ella says bluntly, tears still streaming down her face,
"We can go and see her if you like? We just needed a break it was small too much." I say. "Yeah, is like to see her." She half smiles. "Brace yourself." I say as I walk in before her and I hear Ella try to hold back tears but fails and hugs me. The sight of my girl laid there wired up to machines and an oxygen mask on her face. She's breathing, she wasn't last time we came in. "Oh my god she's breathing." I say with happy tears in my eyes. "That has to be a good sign right?" Ella smiles sitting down on the couch in the room. I decide to tweet out onto let people know about videos.
@miniminter: I'll be off YouTube/social media until things are right again... if they ever are.
@miniminter: For all of you going through a tough time, thank you for staying alive. I love all of you. Please never take your own life or even attempt❤
@miniminter: There's a lot of questions but all will be explained when the time is right. You might be able to guess. I'll love you forever @PennBrads16 👸🏼 💝
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I then off my phone for the night and sit with Josh, Vik, Harry, Ethan, JJ, Ella, Tobi and Freya. Aiden went to Freya's parents whilst she visited Pen for a bit. We talk all evening about he good memories and go through funny photos and cute photos of us and Penny. I hope she can hear all this, she'd be dying laughing if she could. "My favourite Senn moment was when you decided to give us a performance in the living room of 'you're the one that I want' from grease and Penny stood on the couch and fell backwards off it." Vik laughs making us all crack up. "I remember when you threw her in the pool multiple times in LA until she did it to you and you got sad." Freya giggles and we all join her. "She turned into such a good person from what she was before and then this happens, I can't believe it. I love her more than anything." I say getting more serious again. "We all love her endlessly Simon, she's been such a blessing to our friend group." JJ replies being serious for once. I smile at him and give him a little hug.
We are made to go home after me having an argument with one of the nurses which Josh had to defuse. We all decide not to spend time with each other and just go up to our rooms, I want to edit so bad but every video I have that needs editing has Penny in it. The girlfriend challenge, a dead by daylight, a GTA 5 and a G mod prop hunt. Her laugh, her voice, her stupid but hilarious jokes, her face makes me cry. Makes me realise how much I miss her being sat next to me dying laughing from the video we filmed just now realising how funny it was. I miss having her to talk to whenever I want and it's not even been a day since I last spoke to her and she replied. I tole her I loved her the last time I spoke to her, just before I went outside to film. I'm happy about that. I sit on our bed and open my bedside table and move all the other things inside. I pull out the small blue box and open it up to reveal the ring that Freya and I chose out for her, I was going to propose on the Saturday, two days away from the day she tried to kill herself. I place it on the table and remind myself to take it with me when I visit her tomorrow.
